Hungry Guy

Return To Treatment

2008-01-13T13:07:00.000+08:00

Yes, i know that it has been a long time since i wrote. I promise i would try harder at writing! Anyway, here is a edited (for privacy) entry from the Ryanryan Files about last Monday. And for all the people wh have never experienced the eating disorder's day program, this is what it's like!

It's a bit of a wistful thing as i realize that i'm heading back to the day program. I feel that i no longer need therapy that much anymore, but i recognize that i would still benefit A LOT from it. I see the acute need for structure to my day to prevent the eating disorder to be the only entity for me to socialize with. Plus doing the day program is also a symbolic agreement i have with myself to start actively giving up the symptoms i LIKE doing (not taking my starch portion with my meals, for example). Actually, even i do realize i'm much better now, compared to the past. The perfectionist in me cries out in protest that there are still wonky bits. The therapied bit of me (read: take that in a positive light!) assures myself that it's normal to have crazy bits, because nobody is perfectly normal!

0950
1 mug Special K in HL milk

There's a weird lack of binge thoughts today. Ok, admittedly, yesterday as well. It's not me FIGHTING to think about NOT bingeing. It's me realizing, all of a sudden, that there's a (welcome) lack of binge thoughts. I can look at a box of cereal and go 'hmm, looks delicious' instead of 'i want to FUCKING STUFF ALL OF IT DOWN MY THROAT!'. The groundwork is probably laid down by therapy (starting with me being a willing participant since last August) and kicked into high gear with Topiramate. Admittedly, if i just had Topiramate, i would probably have ended up still crazy in the head and either still bingeing, or restricting like crazy (and plunging back into anorexia, which would be short-term fun but long-term misery).

I took a taxi to SGH, since i'm running really late (i'm so sleepy i almost fell asleep in the shower). The driver took this really long and convoluted path and made me EVEN later! Thank god that i dashed into LIFE center just as the morning's feedback group is starting. Ok, basically, the treatment team tells you how they observed you doing over the past week and give you challenges for the new week. My feedback was a pretty ok one, that i stick to the program. I'm surprised and really happy that Intense Gal (a really good friend i made since my first inpatient admission) would be graduating into a course next week. There WILL be a day when all us patients will meet up again for a barbecue somewhere and laugh at the crazy things we used to do.

1200
1 serve white rice
1 serve onion omelette
1 serve stirfried okra
1 serve mutton curry
1/2 Chinese pear

Lunch with Ms Boon, the psychologist, today. The housemen canteen at SGH is looking awfully empty, probably because the carpark outside of it is all boarded up for construction works and people assumed the place closed too. Makes for nice, short queues (i never seen such short ones for the noodles store!). I sprung for Indian food today, and discovered their vegetables and curry is REALLY good. Lipsmackingly good. Rice never tasted this nice. You just can't have curry without rice.

I haven't been finding meals much of a problem. Ok, admittedly, the starches still make me balk, but the fats and stuff are much more bearable. And i no longer have a laundry list of customizations to my order when i get something when eating out. It sometimes feel stupid when whoever's supervising lunch asks me if i feel ok after the meal; i feel better than fine when i have my meals in the day program, usually. Unless i'm triggered (which happens rarely).

Ms Boon (yes, she, and soon, Anita, reads this blog) said that i seem to be writing more about relationships and less about the eating disorder recently! Hmm, i didn't notice it much, but what i noticed had been the decline in the eating disordered thoughts ever since i started on Topiramate (and with that, the drop in strength of binge urges). Which probably leaves me with much more brain space to devote to other things. Of which there's nothing to spend on at the moment! Maybe i should start writing more on the Hungry Guy blog. I've been finding it harder to write posts about the eating disorder because i just am NOT in that mindset (nor do i really want to be!) anymore! What had been interesting me recently had been the intense amount of body image dissatisfaction society is seeming to condition us to accept unconditionally. Which leads to a host of problems including, yes, eating disorders.

There's this interesting thing which had been bugging me for a while. I had observed (yes, OBSERVED!) that people who don't restrict their rice intake DO snack less in between their meals. The hunky guys DO eat their rice. And they eat lots of 'junk' too. Except that you can't exactly call it junk if they aren't growing sideways but more muscly. Anyway, the point is, don't villify rice! Yes, it is very easy to anorexically cut out a whole group of macronutrients, and since you have cut out your fats and carbs, OF COURSE you would lose weight la! You only have protein left, and how on earth are you going to eat a sustainable amount of calories in just protein a day without turning blue in your face (or technically, killing your kidney)?! There's not much point in doing that either. You won't pop extra muscles, you need your carbs and fats and weights for it!

Afternoon is check-in session with Dr Lee. It's quite a nice, cosy session because we invaded Anita's room which had nice bouncy sofas and cushions to hug. I really feel for a girl who is struggling between having to return to university or continuing treatment. And to complicate things, her parents ain't the most understanding of parents. I feel lucky that mine do try to understand me, and i really want to just give her hug as well as just, somehow, try helping her. I feel really bad sometimes. In a way, perhaps, i don't need that much therapy. So many people need it more than me.

1500
1 serve Totally Triple Choc

It's a personal challenge. I don't usually do CHOCOLATE milk other than HL chocolate milk, but this one looked so tempting that i figured i'd get it. It's rich and milky in a different way from HL. And i resolved to make it a personal challenge to try all sorts of different foods so that on the day i take my dirt nap, i wouldn't have any regrets and go 'DARN, i haven't had Jalan Kayu prata!' or something!

Oops, i did it again. Ok, i was feeling quite bored and not too much in the mood to head right back home. But neither was i in the mood to walk around Vivocity either. I just wanted to write, and while walking, which helps me to clear my head and focus on my writing. So i ended up walking all the way home, blasting music and tapping away at my cellphone. Yes, i admit, it looks, smell and tastes like a symptom. Heck, it can even count as half a symptom, because i suppressed my usual pre-going out exercise urge (i tend to HAVE to exercise before doing anything else) and just can't stand the idea of just eating and not moving. At least i got a hell lot of writing done. And i promise i won't do it often, only when i REALLY have a lot to write and if it's feasible to take the time off to do the walking (which can be aborted at any time since it traces the route of service 143 home).

1700
1 mug red bean soy milk

I passed out on the couch. Until dinner. Pig comes to mind, but i try not letting it affect me.

1930
1 serve white and mixed grains rice
2 fillets curry chicken
1 serve stirfried broccoli and sweet peppers with prawn
1 mug brown rice soy milk

I survived dinner. Ok, admittedly, it's easier than i thought. I just told myself, i have to do proper portions for everything (though i treated myself to more of grandma's curry because it's so good).

Beep

2008-01-07T23:18:00.000+08:00

I'm not a Pussycat Dolls fan. Ok, they just don't have enough oomph! to their beats for me. I'd still stick to my Blackout album, thanks!

But Beep cracks me up for some reason.

Pussycat Dolls - Beep
Uploaded by mangaspassion00

The Grudge

2008-01-05T23:20:00.000+08:00

I'm a major horror movie sucker, even though i get freaked easily. My virgin brush with Japanese horror is the Grudge (albeit the American remake) and you can say that i got all the bad luck in the world to get thrown into one of the scarier movies on my first encounter!

According to pal Shaun, who went with me (my uncle gave me a pair of tickets which are going to expire), the American remake is almost a carbon copy of the original Japanese one. So he spent the whole movie with his hands around the drink he bought, waiting for the scary bits so that he can grab me around my neck with clammy palms! Hey, it's actually pretty freaky, so try that on your pals the next horror movie you go to.

Plot of the Grudge: Japanese chick loves her professor, writes in her diary, diary found by her hubby, hubby kills her and their son and their kitty. Mental note: never leave your diaries or blogs lying around. Since they died grisly deaths, they (the chick, boy and kitty) comes back to haunt whoever steps into their house. Insert American family, catatonic old woman, stripped-of-Buffy-powers Sarah Michelle Gellar, loads of black hair and spooky noises, and you've got the perfect horror show! There's something strangely scary about horror shows when they involve bathrooms and black hair. And death rattles.

Oh, and unlike most ghost movies, you actually learn something by the end of the show. Never, ever hop under the blankets even if you feel scared. Because something might be waiting underneath for you. Good night!

London Bridge

2008-01-03T23:59:00.000+08:00

It's rude and oh so Fergie!

Reply Hazy, Try Again

2008-01-02T16:58:00.000+08:00

What is an eating disorder?

The simple question is one that i get asked by friends i make on Facebook or something, who then check my blog out. It's such a toughie, to try to give an answer to the question to a perfectly normal person. The very premise of the eating disorder is illogical; it promises heaven, gives you hell, and yet you continue pursuing it in the belief that it's just YOU who have not tried hard enough.

I'm delving too deep, i think i've lost people on that paragraph. Let me try again.

An eating disorder takes root in many ways. The most common is when the person has a severe lack of self-esteem. Thinking that improving his or her body in some way (such as being on a diet or increasing exercise levels) would lead to a happier existence, said person does just that. Given our culture which prizes outward appearances and associates it with many unrelated positives (think of the negative stuff attributed to fat people), it's not surprising that such a belief can take root. As the person fails to get the positives he or she is trying to get (being buff doesn't automatically make you nicer in personality, or popularity etc), the person him or herself is blamed (instead of blaming the belief), that he or she is merely not trying hard enough. Thus, the unrewarding cycle continues with the individual never achieving his or her goal, while having it always tantalizing dangling right out of reach.

But that just explains how the eating disorder takes root. The problem is compounded as you can say that the sufferer discovers that the eating disorder can fulfil other roles in his or her life too. It becomes a way for passive-aggressive communication. It distracts from their depression. It's a form of control in a life that was out of control. It pleases the innate drive for perfectionism. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

The answer to a simple question ain't so simple after all. In many ways, the eating disorder is a logical answer to many of our culture's stereotypes. At the same time, those stereotypes are dysfunctional, as the eating disorder proves. An individual's logic overpowered by the group's illogical beliefs. The perfection of society's ideal... yet it's not an ideal place to be at all.

I might not be the best person to ask, if you're searching for an answer to 'what is an eating disorder?'. Ask me again in a year when hopefully, i'm in a more recovered frame of mind. And you might get a more coherent answer.

Sleeping On The Floor

2008-01-01T14:18:00.001+08:00

I've been plagued by bad nights of hopelessness recently. I don't know if it's from the worsening symptoms (yes, i admit that i've been bingeing more often again), or if it's just me.

I ended up sleeping on the floor. It's kind of hard to explain, but it's part of the self-punishment i put myself thru when i feel fat. Which i obviously am feeling at the moment. It's starting to plague me 24/7 again, that i'm fat and ugly and lazy and everything. On one hand, i welcome it because i feel that i deserve to feel this way, that i'm somehow... lesser than a human being. On the other, i know that it's a precursor to the eating disorder that i have, and entertaining this train of thought would just lead me back into the dark valleys again. I'm like so fucked up and everything.

There's an aching loneliness in me as i lie in the dark, that not even the eating disorder can fill. Well, i know that, in the past, i was too caught up in bingeing and everything to even notice the void in me. But the past few months of treatment and therapy had definitely lowered the wailing vortex of disordered thoughts in my head, and i realize that the very thoughts may have been there just to cover up the void. I don't know if i should be glad that i'm now aware of the void, because it's just as painful to feel that ache, compared to the wild ride that's the eating disorder. The most painful bit is that loneliness is just one of the things that's in the void; there's so many nasty feelings mixed into it that i don't dare to peer into its depths to see what i've swept under the carpet and into it all these years.

Ah, well, at least it's 2008. New starts are nice.

The Grudge 2

2007-12-31T14:15:00.000+08:00

The first time i watched the Grudge 2 in the cinemas, i thought it was crap. At least the first Grudge had some semblance of plot to it, plus the vengeful ghost chick (Kayako) flashed less skin and was actually scarier. The second watching of it on DVD didn't impress me too much either.

The plot picks up from where the first movie left off, with Karen (played by Sarah Michelle Gellar; watch Buffy get her butt kicked by a spook!) stuck in a psychiatric ward. Her sister, Aubrey (played by Amber Tablyn, who seems to possess only one expression for the whole movie: shock) is sent by their mom to Japan to get Karen back home. She runs into Eason (the forever cute Edison Chen) and surprise, surprise! she gets the curse passed on to her as well. And she finally ends up killed in the House which the curse originated in as well. Gah, dumb blonds. Or technically, brunette.

Interspersed with that plot is that of Allison, an transfer student, to a Japanese international school who gets pranked by 2 other girls to go into the House. Which, of course, earns them the attention of Kayako (the female spook). Everyone but her dies, she runs back to USA, passes the curse on to her neighbors, and everyone dies. In horribly dumb ways. Whoever heard of being frightened to death by some chick spook who went overboard with her rebonding and ate too much peanut butter (hence the croaking sound she makes when she appears).

I actually made better sense of the plot after peeking at the Wikipedia entry for the Grudge 2, but the truth is, it's just too convoluted plus contrived. The curse and stuff just doesn't have enough meat to it to carry 2 movies on its back, plus spreading the curse out of Japan cheapened the original American remake's background theme of an American going bonkers in a totally different culture, and alienated in the scary place that's Japan. Kayako and the little boy ghost, Toshio, made for scary scenes in their own neighborhood of Tokyo, but in Chicago, they made for lame spooks.

The one glaring inconsistency which wrecked the movie for me is when the nurses in the TOKYO HOSPITAL couldn't understand English when Aubrey tried to ask them about her sister. Yet, Kayako's mom, a traditional JAPANESE EXORCIST, in some remote, backwater village, could speak it flawlessly. How utterly... inconsistent!

Hello 2008

2007-12-30T14:21:00.000+08:00

Call me blond, but i just realized that it's almost 2008! 365 days have a funny habit of zooming past really quickly. Like, oh my god, i can't believe that another year has gone past me!

Still, the beginning of 2007, when i think of January 1st, seemed to be just a month ago in terms of chronological remembering, but feels like a dream, a lifetime ago, when i look back at the state i was. Let's see... I was throwing up, bingeing at least 2 times a day, had a horrid relationship with the parents, self-harming at times... I can barely wrap my mind around how deep into the eating disorder and depression i was.

Someone once told me that you'd never see how deep you are into a hole until after you're out of the hole and you peer back into its pitch-black depths. I can't disagree. When i try remembering what i was like, 363 days ago, i go WHOA MAN, that Ryan needs help. And to think that, at that time, i was sure that being IMH-ed wouldn't help me at all. Ok, it's still not a pleasant experience and i wish i never needed to be sent to IMH kicking and screaming, but still... I knew for a sure thing that if nobody intervened, i'm going to end up commiting suicide or something just as icky.

Oh yes, but one thing didn't change from the beginning of 2007. My weight. In fact, with me eating comparatively better (bingeing much less, cessation of purging by throwing up), my weight dipped a little. Not to mention that even i do see that i have been looking better (cleared up complexion, a little less flabby because i no longer retain water horribly). I can't believe that i actually look and feel better the less i concentrated on how fat i'm feeling. It sounds so Zen-like and everything, but it's true! The less you focus on something, the more of it you get.

But i'm not quite there yet. Still far from being recovered. Trust me on one thing though: it feels better even at this wobbly point on the slope towards the peak that's recovered, compared to the deep nasty valley that's being pro-actively eating disordered.

Paris In Jail

2007-12-28T17:36:00.000+08:00

I'm on a Paris streak!

Paris

2007-12-26T22:41:00.000+08:00

I have a confession to make: i have an addiction to the dance-y sort of music. Pop rocks my boat, but not so much as the more shake-your-hips-and-let-your-hair-down type of beats (think Britney Spear's Blackout).

Paris Hilton might not be headline hogging anymore, but i finally hunted down her CD. Surprise, surprise, it isn't as stinky as the reviews made it out to be. It's Britney with a dash of class (not to mention less moaning as though she is in heat!). Wait, did i just say Paris Hilton had some class??? Ok, must be the lack of sleep catching up with me.

The first song leaked from the album, Stars Are Blind, is actually decent, though it starts grating on my nerves when it's played once too many times, because it's just too sweet pea-ish. The rest of the album is more or less along the lines of Nothing In This World and Turn It Up, with nice groovy beats to it. The gym ball is getting some serious mileage from my ass jiggling in beat to Paris. The only stinker in the album? I didn't like Fighting Over Me; the guy's voice just doesn't seem to go along with the rest of the song.

For some reason, there seem to be people out there who refuse to give Paris Hilton some credit for actually cutting a reasonable album. Hey, it's actually pretty good, if you sit down with it in the background, minus your preconceived notions of what-a-slutty-blond-she-is.

Stars Are Blind

2007-12-25T23:57:00.000+08:00

It had been a hectic Christmas Day, so i only have time to stick this post up! And if you can't tell, my playlist is FULL of blond singers. Heh.

Perfected Body

2007-12-24T14:18:00.001+08:00

Big hypothetical question: would i be happy if i'm in the Perfect Body which i wanted???

The TizMe i made for myself is pretty close. Heck, if i could look like that, i'd probably be in heaven. I still have arms and shoulders and abs to work on, and nah, i don't think i'd ever look like this in this life. My next one, perhaps (hopes for good genes!).

But anyway, i really don't think i would be happy if i had a Perfect Body. It's kind of weird, but ok, i admit i would be slightly happier than now (who would say no to the chiseled Adonis?!), but it wouldn't be the end of all my problems, as the eating disorder would have me believe. If i have a great body, then that's all i have. A great body. Nothing more, nothing less. I wouldn't be magically less depressed or anything.

I'd probably find something to nitpick over. Because, in my mind, i never felt that i'm anywhere near good enough. Or deserving. In fact, if i wake up in my Perfect Body, i'd probably feel great for a few days... then something would come along, i'd binge, and hate myself once again. I know myself so well.

Still, if there's a fairy godmother out there, now you know what i really want for Christmas!

Gone Clubbing

2007-12-23T12:08:00.000+08:00

The last thing i thought i'd ever do is go clubbing. Hey, the eating disorder is freaked out by the possibilities. Of being served normal Coke by mistake (curse you, harried bartender!). Or being put in an environment where physical appearance plays a large role (face it, in the strobing lights, you check the derrieres of people out!). But hey, chalk clubbing up to one of the things i missed out on while being sick from 16 to 19.

And no, i didn't get my derriere on a magazine. Which proves to the eating disorder that i don't have that big or gross a derriere as i had thought.

I always thought that i was the quiet type of person, that clubbing would be a boring experience for me. But actually trying it out proved to myself that i actually do quite like clubs! Going to one is such a huge leap for me (the proverbial fish out of water kind of thing) that i had a few blissful hours of being eating disorder free. The eating disorder had robbed me of much spontaneity that the most spontaneous thing i do is to run from hospitals.

Anyway, the clubbing night was quite a few firsts for Ryan! First fun experience of dancing (ok, i have 2 left legs!) on the dance floor to club spins (which actually sound better than the real songs!). First time i let alcohol pass my lips willingly since having an eating disorder. First time paying $7 for a can of Coke Light (ouch!). First time just talking to a bunch of random people in a row who don't know (and doesn't care) i have an eating disorder. First time giggling madly for minutes (and it has nothing to do with the alcohol!). I never knew being 19 would be so fun.

Mom would probably go into cardiac arrest if i go clubbing too often. At any rate, it seems like the more people you go with, the more fun the experience will be. And don't expect any deep conversations because the music will pound your earwax out!

Piece of Me (Take 2!)

2007-12-22T07:24:00.000+08:00

Yay, Britney's got her groove back! And got a better stylist after the Gimme More fiasco.

Do You Miss Me?

2007-12-21T11:36:00.000+08:00

It's not the same with you gone
So many changes i made, forlorn
Originally to get back to the same us, that which is gone
Gradually i liked doing it myself, alone.

I never thought i'd learn to say 'me'
I thought we were going to stay 'we'
Yet now being me feels so much more free
But i still yearn for your arms to protect me
Safe from storms and bad dreams and me
Entwined, safe as a unit, us, we
World, nothing more than a bad dream.

Paradise lost
Death mourned
Hell hath no fury like a Ryan scorned
Yet it was an indiscretion of my own
Monogamy was originally agreed upon.

My own two feet are nice to stand on
I know that the past is more or less gone
I surround myself with laughter, friends, and move on
Yet i wish you're not gone.

Cha Cha-ed

2007-12-20T15:26:00.000+08:00

It's hard to be positive when the people around you are constantly negative. It had been dragging me down the past few days and it's getting frustrating when i keep failing to break myself out of the relentless downward spiral that mom has on me (and me on her, then her on me, and so on it goes).

On a sidenote, no, the past few days of not being able to blog are entirely coincidental. Darn the modem for conking out during a thunderstorm. That sense of isolation kind of made the downward spiral all the harsher as Ryan's tempers were shortened by the inability to vent and zone out online.

The logical side of me reminds myself that it is human nature to be bitchy at times. Still, i find it quite inexplicable that mom sometimes insists on doing some things which seem to serve no purpose other than triggering me or reminding me how much money i'm spending or how much of a useless bum i am. Which makes me feel all the worse and it ends up with a cha-cha dance routine of 3 steps forward, 3 steps back as i stutter in and out of the relative 'safety' of my eating disorder.

I find myself unable to return to the comforting numbness that severe bulimia gave me. By the same token, i find myself unable to sustain a state of complete recovery. The neither-here-nor-there position is slowly grinding me nuts and wearing my resolve away. It honestly feels like putting your finger on a mirror; you almost, but not quite, touch your own reflection.

Stuck, stuck and depressed. And crying out but not sure where to turn to. My own happy mask becomes attached to my face, i can't bear to shed it and show the full brunt of how depressed i am to anyone.

Nutritional Information Obsession

2007-12-15T10:39:00.000+08:00

One major instinct that had been a constant for my past... 2 (or is it 3???) years had been to flip every food item over to it's back and check out it's nutritional information. You know, that box with calories, macronutrient ratios, blah blah blah. It's become as instinctive as breathing. Or reflex. You get the idea.

So it was a surprise when i discovered that i no longer NEEDED to know. Well, it all started with one trip to the SGH pharmacy together with G Boy, a fellow patient in the eating disorders program. I was intrigued by freeze dried apple and took a look at the ingredients to see how they manage to make it stay un-'rusted'... and it took me a few seconds to realize that i didn't take the usual peek at the familiar box!

Then, i think my younger brother noticed it when i was picking out mini pretzels, because i popped them into the grocery basket without really looking at the packaging's butt... and scrutinizing it while comparing it against every other choice on the junk food aisle. I didn't really notice it myself, until i thought about it, because i'm munching on said pretzels as i sit in front of mom's iMac, typing this post out!

It's something really surprising and shocking to discover! It's like, liking green your entire life... then discovering that you suddenly prefer blue, pr something like that! Maybe the change had been more gradual... like me taking more and more un-labelled food (you know, from store cooked food instead of cooking from cans) and being weaned off my habit of reading it before eating, but i just didn't notice it until now.

It's a happy achievement sort of thing for myself. Milestone!

Last Call

2007-12-14T18:57:00.000+08:00

I had the Ryanryan Files open for a few days after i restarted it. You see, it was an accident, then mom read a post and realized how sometimes i react in the wrong way to innocent things she say. It felt like an indirect form of communication between us, but i realized that the whole point of having a private blog is, well, a place for me to be able to spill everything in.

It had been a fun experience. Count it as a sort of an experiment, to see how truthful i can be while keeping things public.

Still, i realized that it is becoming an increasingly slippery tightrope to walk, to keep a balance between being truthful and being outright evasive. Much as i hope to allow people a peek into the mind of a recovering eating disordered person, i realize that i have my own needs to take care of as well, that of having a safe place to vent and unload at. In my own defense, i like to say that it's not a selfish choice, it's something i learnt. I can't expect to be selfless and everything; it's good to be selfish SOMETIMES. I'm exercising my right of privacy.

However, all readers of the old Ryanryan Files will be invited. If you wish to be added to the allowed readers list, just drop me an email (hungryguyryanryan@gmail.com) or leave me a comment WITH YOUR EMAIL.

It has been a fun ride. And the best part is that it's only the beginning. Happy endings and happily ever afters are nice, but the slaying the dragons are the stuff that fairy tales are made of.

Hardwiring

2007-12-13T07:38:00.000+08:00

Giving up the unconscious vow to diet was a hard thing for me. I've associated dieting (erroneously) with so many positive things that it has become hardwired into my brain that me being in a state of diet=good.

Hardwiring might be hard to change. But that does not mean that it is IMPOSSIBLE to change. Think back to the time just as dieting became successful. Dieting was something you had to constantly remind yourself to engage in, ain't it? It takes a month (or more) before something becomes a habit. Switching out of the dieting urge took the same kind of 'brainwashing' for me, of needing to remind myself that i'm perfectly ok the way i am, that i don't deserve to keep torturing myself with bland, special foods.

The cold turkey period is the hardest. I kept freaking out over whether i would gain weight. I was tempted to just throw in the towel and give up. Yes, i admit that i slipped up and fell back on restricting again. But each slip up brought on the reminder that there's a price to pay for restriction; a painful binge would hit, and i berate myself. Then stand tall and try again.

It may seem like the habit will never get out of you head. But keep faith that it would weaken it's hold. Heck, if people who have an alcohol problem or nicotine addiction can change their habits by perseverance, why not us? Fundamentally, it's the same as changing a habit. Keep at it long enough, and it'd go away.

Ms Boon (the psychologist) told me an analogy which still sticks in my head. You see, when you put food out for a stray feline, it would keep coming back every night, expecting it's food. You stop putting food out, it'd continue to come back for a while. And it'd meow like crazy to get you to feed it. It'd try for a few nights, might even do worser things like scratching your door. But after a while, it'd realize that you're not giving it anything, so it'd leave you in peace. Occasionally, it might return to try it's luck again, but if you persevere and not give in to its pestering, it wouldn't bother you every night anymore.

Same thing applies to kicking the eating disorder. You're going to have your 3 meals and snacks, you're going to stay strong against the forces of bingeing AND restricting. People have done it, so why not you (and me)???

Seneca Apple Chips (Caramel)

2007-12-12T03:05:00.000+08:00

Call in the paparazzi; Ryan just had REAL junk food, and it's NOT a binge!

Ok, technically speaking, it was the eating disorder, not Ryan, who spotted the chips. Because it screamed apple chips and all. But the eating disorder blanched at the fats and sugar content, and put the bag of apple chips down hastily. Because the eating disorder screamed 'LIARS! THEY MUTILATED THE INNOCENT APPLES!!!'

Ok, they did. But, oh, oh, oh, it's such a beautiful piece of murder. So tragically tasty! So traumatizingly lipsmacking! I'm sure the IMH ambulance will be at the door if i continue... But yes, they might have murdered the apples, but boy, i can testify to how NICE junk food tastes, in comparison to their oh-so-bland cousins. Doing it once in a while is not going to kill you... If it did, i wouldn't be tapping this post out!

I never had the chance to have a caramel apple before. But i imagine it tastes like, well, apple with caramel! And that's what the chips taste like. Don't be misled by the CRISPY splashed across the packaging though; i thought my packet was an accidentally opened one, but subsequent experience proved that ALL apple chips come kind of mushy. So don't expect to bite into something crispy.

I tried the Granny Smith's one, but didn't like it too much; it's too sour for me. Caramel is just the right note of sweetness. It's like... candy!

Perhaps i'm the only one in the family who liked my sweet stuff semi-crispy, because the rest of the family said it's weird biting into something half soggy, half crispy, slightly salty and thoroughly sweet. But for me, it's a slice, oh wait, crisp, of heaven! I love my apples. Out of the way, Snow White!

Seneca Apple Chips (Caramel)
(per 12chips/28g serving)
140calories, 7g fat (0.5g saturated, 0g trans), 20g carbohydrate (2g fibre, 11g sugar), 0g protein

What Next?

2007-12-11T07:30:00.000+08:00

I'm terrified of changing. Of becoming recovered and having the eating disorder in the rearview mirror. Because i have no idea of what i would be WITHOUT the eating disorder.

It's like, you stare into the mirror, and you wonder, what would life like if you're amoeba (you know, that 1 celled jelly thing that reproduces by splitting itself into 2). It's just... something which you can't wrap your mind around. It's incomprehensible. You draw a complete blank, trying to imagine it. And that's what i see, when i try to see myself as being normal.

In a way, it just feels so much less stressful to fall into the same pit of being eating disordered again. Compared to the fear of stepping into the Grand Unknown, it's easier letting yourself crunch into a known ouchie trap. Sure, it hurts, but you don't know if the Grand Unknown hurts worse.

I don't know if i even dare to discover what i truly am, deep down. What if i'm the stinking, selfish, childish, FAT BRAT (not to mention a host of other undesirables) that i've always privately feared i would be, that i felt like i managed to somehow suppress via the eating disorder?

Down And Out

2007-12-10T00:02:00.000+08:00

Spinning out of control
Hair in a mess
Looking like a troll
Food diary in a mess
What i ate will turn your blood cold
Life in a mess.

Progress wiped out by backsliding
Signs are not very encouraging
Strength of symptoms becoming distressing
Mom's nagging becoming overbearing
I wish she'd be more understanding
But i can't help my backsliding.

I do know what i have to do
Yet the hardest bit is doing what i have to do
Normal eating is so obvious and so painful
It can never be the solution i'm seeking, so elegantful?
I delude myself into believing i can starve once more
That my willpower can kick in when i reach the apple core.

The old fears of being obese are back
I find myself freaking, 24/7, over being fat
25/7, even, if i could do that
Torn, between wanting to obsess and wanting to fight back
Anything to fight the encroaching piece of flab
Even though, logically, i know a few days of funny eating wouldn't bring it back.

Someone kick me in my ass
Or say something rude and crass
A jolt of electricity is all i ask
Maybe it can kick me out of this mess.

Call it a blatant advertisement, but i've decided to throw an opening party for my private blog!

Faeries

2007-12-09T00:16:00.000+08:00

I finally got back to playing Magic once more! The latest expansion, Lorwyn, is heavy on tribal, my favorite theme ever. Basically, play the same race, because everyone helps themselves! The tribe i found myself gravitating to had been the Faeries. They play like a traditional permission deck (you know, those annoying blue decks which never seem to play anything on their turns, and play only during your end of turn phases, or to play a counterspell when you finally throw a threat out), and you never know what trick is up the player's sleeve.

The deck kind of builds itself when you pick out the most cost efficient Faeries at each casting cost. I prefer to go on a heavier side of blue (the Faeries in Lorwyn are a blue and black tribe), though how you build it is up to your preferences as well.

The 1 casting costers. I prefer the Cloud Sprite since it's blue, but the Stinger is more or less the black clone of it. Advantages of Stinger: it can't be Terrored or stuff. Disadvantage: in a build which is heavier on blue, you risk not being able to throw it out on turn 1.

Thoughtseize is going for big bucks (almost $30!) at the moment, but it goes well in the deck if you can afford it. It's hard to say no to a card which can disrupt your opponent's strategy. Still, no big loss if it's not included, because it's not critical to the deck.

Peppersmoke looks like a good bargain for a Faerie deck, since it replaces itself too. The problem is that you don't really have many 1 toughness things to gun for, except for some Elfs (perhaps Llanowar Elves), Kithkins or other Oona's Prowlers.

This has been the allstar common in Lorwyn. Unfortunately, it's Sorcery speed makes it a not-so-good deal for the Faerie deck.

A surprise Holy Day can pop up and catch your opponent off guards. A little too situational, and i personally don't like Fog tricks.

Definitely one card which makes the deck tick. If you have been dropping your Faeries consistently, this guy can hold off threats your opponent throws on the board. Think of it as a counterspell more along the lines of a Rune Snag or Mana Leak instead of Cancel.

Your other 2 drop, which is amazing. If it had Flash, it would be even better. It dies to Mogg Fanatic, but it serves up a headache to your opponent every turn when he has to decide to discard a card or to take 3 to the head.

Skip over this guy. Lifelink is nifty, but you don't want to tie up more mana than necessary during your own turns.

Boring, no Flash, no flashy ability other than recursion that works 50% of the time? Move on.

Future Sight offers up a surprise Faerie, but it's too slow. Yes, it's a Cloud Faerie factory. Moving on...

Up to the casting 3 slots. The Scion is pretty amazing in pumping up the guys which are on the field. And more headaches for your opponent as your deck swings between a control-ish and aggro-ish one, with your guys on the field bringing the beatdown on and your hand looking filled with Faeries still. Bonus! Shroud keeps stuff like Eyeblight's Ending and Oblivion Ring (yes, creature kill in the current Type 2 is NASTY) at bay! The Scion gets silly when you factor in that it has Flash and multiple copies of it pumps each other too.

Twiddle-on-wings is surprisingly useful. Tap down a scary attacker (down, Tarmogoyf, down; that guy reaches the regions of 5/6 with ease!) and nifty tricks like that, not to mention that it is quite good value for a 2 power flyer! Don't forget the untap bit can be useful if you need to untap one of your lands or something as well.

The blue planeswalker (don't faint, they're a new addition to the game from Lorwyn) doesn't really go well in the Faeries deck. Pass him on.

Tauntings look good on the surface (hey, it turns every flashed dude into 1 damage!), but it usually ends up as a win-more type of card. Pass it on, you can do better with that 3 mana you're spending!

The deck doesn't have much of a discard theme, so these thieves are pretty much a wasted slot. Stick to Thoughtseizes if you want to whack your opponent's hand.

The hard counters occupy the 3 casting cost slot as well, but i find that i don't get much mileage out of them, as the Faerie deck tends to wrap the game up before truly horrifying threats hit the board (and the Spellstutters keep Wrath of Gods from hitting). Not to mention that the next spell on the list truly outclasses them.

Yes, yes, i know, i'm getting to it! Cryptic Command is a powerful card in any deck, but is downright amazing here. What Spellstutter Sprite can't handle, Cryptic Command blasts it to oblivion. Then, you get to pick from your choice of bounce, tapdown or card draw! This is pretty much the reason why i went heavy on blue and splashed for black, because the triple blue in the casting cost is hard to pull off.

On a tangent, some variants of the deck throw in River of Tears in order to play more black. Unfortunately, that's another non-budget card, and i don't think it's really worth the trouble.

If your mana base can afford it, the black Command is nice (and if you are running the Rivers, go ahead, throw the Profanes in). The double black can be hard to piece together, since the blue Command forces a heavy commitment to the blue mana producers. It can outright win the game with the life loss effect.

Too expensive for the 1/1 Flash-lacking body and useless Goblin buddies. Next!

Cute effect, but not worth the wait to the 4th turn. Lack of Flash hurts these witches too. Next!

Yawn. Next! If you're needing to recycle your Faeries, you're not attacking!

Did someone forget to add an ability or something? I swear i'm supposed to get more out of paying 4 mana!

The Harbringer for this tribe comes rather late with it's 4 casting cost. I didn't include her in my build as i find myself drawing what i need pretty often, but if you find yourself with free slots, go ahead and throw her in. Flash, flying, 2/2 body and being pumpable by the Scion makes her an attractive choice.

Now we're finally at the good Faeries at the 4 casting cost slot. Yes, the Clique is like a Time Walk. And it's a 4/4 Flasher (that sounded wrong!) to boot. Watch it shake its booty and marvel at its power. It's usually the finisher of the deck.

Control Magic is back! Ok, this dies to more spells (since it's a creature), but it's a FAERIE! The addition of a Flying 2/2 AND one of the opponent's creatures to your horde often swings the game in your favor (and acts as a pseudo removal spell; you don't need to destroy a creature if it is going to fight on your side!).

Wydwen is not an automatic 4-of in the deck. Yes, she is a nice beater with Flash, and can dodge kill spells, but i'm not too sure if her addition in the deck is warranted, when the 4 casting cost slot is so packed.

The manabase is expensive if you want a stable one to run the splash of black. If you need to run a budget deck, dropping the black portion of the deck also means saving a sizeable chunk of moolah (plus you save on the expensive lands!).

The Manlands are back in 10th Edition! The blue one becomes a Faerie (surprise, surprise!), and may be worth throwing into the deck. 4 may be overkill, but i haven't tested them out yet. Advantage: they dodge sorcery-speed destruction. Disadvantage: they come into play tapped (and speed is critical in this deck).

Going on a budget tangent, there's plenty of tricks to pull if you need to drop the expensive black side of the deck. 10th Edition offers up plenty of nifty cards to be used.

In addition to the previous hard counters, if you find yourself up against creature heavy decks, a 2 mana creature only counter can help.

Bounce? We got them!

Library manipulation, at instant speed, no less!

Some builds of the Faerie deck splash green into the blue deck to access goodies like the Time Spiral ranger. And to get more counterspells in the form of the snake (the 2/2 body is surprisingly convenient as a beatstick).

As you can see, there are many directions you can take a Faerie deck in. Go try it out!

Cage Of Mine

2007-12-08T11:14:00.000+08:00

I stand at the edge of my self-created cage, peering out at the vast unknown that lies beyond the bars.

It's supremely frustrating and scary for me to recover-recover. As in, truly be NORMAL once more. It is one thing to stay symptom free, but another to piece back together a life interrupted with 2 years of practice at being Mr Psych Ward Patient. I regret not taking the leap of recovery way back at the beginning. Hey, the mountain of accumulated losses wouldn't have been that massive.

And boy have i learnt how to be an examplar at being anything but not-kooky-in-the-head, that being rehab-ed back into life is tough. For the 1st time ever, i don't have any sense of conventionality left, no pre-blazed paths to follow. JC education is pretty much zotted, exterminated, zilched. I still intend to get into university in some way, but the normal roads to that destination are pretty much closed off for me.

Hang on a minute. Being Mr Boo-Hoo-I-Got-A-Bad-Hand didn't help. Sitting on my ass isn't (and didn't) getting me anywhere. I frustrate myself that i have lots of drive in moving forward with life, but lack the road map or travel agent to find a way back onto the conventional expressway. Thank god (in a way) that i still have 2 years of NS to do, during which i can try to scramble and do my A levels, somehow, so that university is more get-able.

But i'm not guaranteed success in clawing my way back. And that's what keeps me in my cage, the eating disorder. If i'm free of the cage and fall, i have nothing to blame but myself. I can't shrug and say 'my eating disorder made me fail', and i'd have to face the big fat fact that i've FAILED. Which is really hard to stomach (no pun intended!); you now see why it's so hard to actually give up the cage PERMANENTLY.

So much future in my hands, so many ways to go wrong. And yet, so many ways it can go right too.

Summaried

2007-12-07T06:46:00.000+08:00

Emma was unhappy with her weight and shape, and decided to diet. Her diet had 2 rules: eat less food, and avoid treats like chocolate or ice cream.

Emma followed the diet for a while, but soon found she was always hungry. She also noticed that she thought more about food than she had before she started her diet, especially chocolate. After returning home from work the 4th afternoon, she broke her dietary rules and overate, eating a 'forbidden' food, half a litre of ice cream.

After eating, Emma felt distressed. She had broken her diet and felt ugly and fat. She decided to try again, but this time with very strict rules. She would only eat a little bit of breakfast and nothing all day until dinnertime. Emma followed these strict rules for 3 days. During this time, she ate very little. That pleased her, but she was constantly feeling hungry and lacked energy and concentration. The hungrier she became, the more she obsessed about food. All day her thoughts were preoccupied with food. She imagined elaborate ways of preparing all her favourite foods, whilst eating none of them. The more she tried to avoid food, the harder it became to resist.

On the 3rd afternoon, she gave way to her hunger and ate whatever she could find in her kitchen. She ate 3 packets of biscuits, leftovers from the previous night's supper (some shepherd's pie and half an apple pie) and all the ice cream in the freezer. Emma ate quickly, feeling an initial rush of satisfaction. But she felt no control over her behavior and ate until uncomfortably full, then when she had finished eating, she felt very distressed. She was ashamed of her behavior, and felt guilty for breaking her rules. She vowed she would not succumb again, and resumed her strict rules.

Soon Emma found herself in a seemingly unbreakable cycle of hunger and binge eating.

This paragraph jumped out at me from a handout Ms Boon gave me. It so simply yet accurately describes binge eating, which is sometimes really hard to illustrate to someone without an eating disorder. And it puts form to an amorphous concept i have in my head but which is too hard for me to put down into words.

Say hi to Spike the hamster!

The Gym Ball Factor

2007-12-06T08:03:00.000+08:00

Ryan got his grubby fingers on a gym ball after seeing Eric, the friendly neighborhood physiotherapist and trainer at the SGH LIFE center gym. Yes, he has watermelon biceps on his arms (cue private joke with G Boy), but i digress.

There was a legitimate concern over the possibility of compulsive overexercise, since i'd have a handy exercise thing lying around. I inflated it and left it around the house, but it didn't trigger the urge in any way. Perhaps because the gym ball is associated with core muscles and toning as opposed to calorie burn for me (the word calories perk my eating disorder up, while toning... that just makes the vainpot in me beam).

Ms Boon has one of the best postures around, and she sits on a gym ball at home. I figure, why not give it a try? Since sitting on one when i'm on the computer (instead of slouching on a chair) recruits your core muscles into work. And the same muscles help you stand tall and nicely (oh yes, and for the gals, a good posture tucks your abdomen in AND thrusts your front out!). Off to the side goes the chair, and under my ass goes the gym ball.

Ok, i've only tried it for a few days so far. But it definitely helps. I haven't seen any posture improvement yet, but having an unstable surface to sit on DOES forces you to sit up straight. Either that, or end up with your ass on the floor. Mom gave it a shot too (since she works on her iMac all day) and i noticed she doesn't have that hunched over chipmunk posture when she works.

Extra bonus: it's great fun to groove to music on the gym ball too! On a conventional chair, you can't really wiggle your bum or bounce in time with the music, but on a gym ball, you can! Blackout sure got a heck of new mileage squeezed out of it thanks to the innocent looking green inflatable.

Oh, sitting on the ball ain't the only uses for that thing. Don't forget your crunches and back workouts, Ryan. I think i'm not a home gym kind of guy. Sure, it's convenient, but i only get the exercise groove when i'm in the gym. It's a pain to start a workout when i'm home, since part of the psyching up process occurs when i'm in the car or on the bus to the gym.

It didn't cost me much too. I picked my 55cm diameter ball up from the LIFE center at $25 (insert blatant LIFE center advertisement).

The Pastamania Victory

2007-12-05T04:31:00.000+08:00

I conquered Pastamania! Strange but true fact: i have eaten there only once before this, on a meal out with some secondary school friends just as i was starting to get sick with the eating disorder. You can guess what i got at THAT time... A side salad, no dressing. Which tastes the same pretty much anywhere.

It seems like other people my age loves the pasta there, but i never got to try. Mainly because of fear of becoming fat (ha, show me an average person who ballooned just from one meal at Pastamania!) from having my starches (which i cut from my list of acceptable foods all the way back in 2005). And what makes having my starches in a public place extra tough is that i convinced myself that i'd bloat like mad from starches, and that would make my tummy show... in a public setting!

It was with much sweaty palms that that i placed my order. I think i freaked the person out when i stammered my order (seafood mania, the pasta being fusilli) and seemed to be on the verge of having a breakdown. Then biting my lips and feeling my vision cloud up as she tapped my order down. Ordering a full, NORMAL meal when i'm out with friends, instead of being with the therapy group for supervised lunch, feels a LOT harder at the ordering stage.

But once i plopped down at the table (my dining partner got some carbonara dish WITH garlic bread and a NON-DIET cola) and conversation started, it got a heck easier. I have to admit to picking around at EVERYTHING but the pasta at first, but as i eased into talking, i found myself not minding the pasta at all. It tastes GREAT, but the best part is that my mind ain't dwelling on it at all. Oh, plus i found myself shaking the cheese shaker constantly, because it just IS nice (and to heck with the need to count out the calories in my food).

I survived. I didn't balloon. There was some bloating from the meal, but from a logical perspective, the food HAS to take up space SOMEWHERE once it enters my gullet. And it's more a psychological thing, because i found myself concentrating less on my abdomen and more on laughing madly to jokes after the meal.

Enchanted

2007-12-04T07:32:00.000+08:00

The premise is so obvious that you wonder how on earth did Disney NOT think of it earlier. A fairy tale story which is plucked out from the story book setting and dunked into the real world.

Take your standard plot straight out of your fairy tale. Princess? Check. Prince Charming (ok, Edwards)? Check. Evil witchy stepmother? Check. Heck, throw those poisoned apples and singing animals in as well! The entire movie manages to steer clear of being a campy parody, yet pokes fun at the traditional Disney movie the entire while.

Basic plot: evil queen wants to remain queen. Tricks Giselle, the princess who's due to marry her stepson, the hunky Prince Edwards, into falling thru a portal into the real world. Giselle meets a single dad and her daughter (dad thinks she's crazy, while the daughter thinks she's a real princess). Hilarity ensues as Giselle tries surviving the real world. Meanwhile, Prince Edwards hop thru the portal with a cute chipmunk and a spy of the queen in tow into the real world to rescue Giselle. Nathanael, the queen's spy, tries poisoning Giselle with an apple, but fails. Evil queen has enough and passes thru as well, leading to a climatic showdown. Oh, and Giselle finds true love in the end!

For all the Disney movie buffs out there, there's plenty of subtle (and not so subtle) pokes at the old films like Cinderella, Snow White, the Little Mermaid etc. And quite a few of the shots look suspiciously like Disneyland.

Amy Adams, playing Giselle the princess, is a perfect fit for the role. She looks eerily like a traditional Disney princess, and manages to pin down the big eyed, innocent look perfectly. James Marsden sheds his optic shades from X-Men to play a passable prince, though his scenes often get stolen by the lovable CGI chimpmunk, Pip!

Enchanted is one fun movie.

Collectible Ryan

2007-12-03T14:57:00.000+08:00

I hate it when i have to be paraded out for people to see. Hate it hate it HATE IT.

It brings up uncomfortable memories of my childhood. My parents were (and still are) people big on church events and its community. I've always felt that i'm expected to be a goody two shoes, to reflect well on their standing in the church. It seemed like i had to go to church just to keep up a facade that we're a happy Christian family. It sucked. It sucked hard.

It didn't help when i got caned (for my last time) at 14 when i made my final stand to not go to church. I got bruises for it which lasted me a week (mental note: cover-up pimple cream does not make for a good concealer for bruises), and i was way embarrassed when a classmate asked me about it. And all that trauma, at that point, i saw it as the parents just doing it in order for me to be continued to be seen at church so that nobody would ever suspect that The Picture Perfect Christian Family actually had cracks in it.

I dislike going for family events. Or anything which requires my presence, just so as to 'complete a picture'. Mind you, most of the time, it's not that i hate the people who are organizing the event. It's just that feeling the obligation to show my face for the sake of completing a picture makes me feel like an object. A collectible. Like hunting down a Black Lotus to complete a Power 9 collection. Or the Mew which rounds out your Pokedex.

The sad bit is that Asian cultures tend to have a strong component of being seen as 'family' and such. To pretend, keep up a farce, that the family is strong and ok. In the real world, perfection rarely happens. Yet, the unspoken obligation is for everyone to pretend that they're ok.

Change Me, Then Change The World

2007-12-02T10:38:00.000+08:00

In all these forms of the Adonis Complex, men could be relieved of much suffering if they could only be liberated from society's unrealistic ideals of what they SHOULD look like. Of course, it's good to try to eat well, exercise well, and maintain a healthy body, but it's unhealthy to use extreme measures to maintain a body completely different from the one that Mother Nature gave you. If men could accept this truth, much of the burden of the Adonis Complex might be lifted from their shoulders.

-The Adonis Complex

Ms Boon lent me a nice book on eating disorders in men (FINALLY!) and it was an engrossing read. Loads of bits here and there jumped out at me, but i liked this part, and have been trying to put it to work in my life.

Much of what troubles me is how much i SHOULD measure up to other male bodies. It's NOT vanity, it's more of trying to find acceptance. Of being normal looking, of not being as hideous and fat as i imagine myself to be. It might be hard to visualize it, but imagine that since you were a child, you were fat. And you're living in a culture where all sorts of negative stereotypes were attributed to being obese. You have always been a sensitive kid and well intentioned remarks to get you to lose weight were interpreted as a message that you'd never be good enough, you'd always be an inferior being.

Having accepted that thought for years and believing that i would never measure up, you can quite literally say i have been brainwashed and it has been deeply embedded in my psyche. To eat normally means to challenge all the mental associations i've made between being inferior and being fat. That's what recovery from an eating disorder is like. We don't REFUSE, wilfully, to eat (excepting times when we feel that we just can't give up the eating disorder). We just can't summon up the strength to eight the cultural messages we have taken to heart.

I can't change our culture. But i sure can start changing MYSELF to accept people as who they are, and to stop buying into the unrealistic messages that i'm obliged to accept unconditionally. Nobody deserves to be stereotyped. We don't assume that just because someone has black skin, he or she is inferior to whites. By the same token, a person who's big is just merely that. Nothing more, nothing less.

Rotten Ryan

2007-12-01T10:03:00.000+08:00

Hold me tight
Never leave my side
Without you i'm blind
Wait, cut my corny lines.

I've played with fire enough times
Broke hearts of assorted kinds
I'm not the person to be cherished for all time
I'm definitely not the innocent kind.

You can choose to be intoxicated
I might play along and seem interested
I probably don't want to make you feel embarrassed
If i come clean and confess you're just making me tired.

I'm nice on the outside
Rotten on the inside
Don't take me at face value
It's a facade to hide my blues.

Call it a random confession thing. I'm feeling extra horrid today and i wish i can find a way to be nice to people when i think that we're just plain not going to work out. And to try to put it nicely so as not to insult the person.

Wait, before you accuse me of being a Casanova or something, i'm no praying mantis or professional heartbreaker. But perhaps i'm too nice for my own good and give the wrong signals. And find myself too deep in the lie to back out gracefully.

Shut Up And Drive

2007-11-30T00:01:00.000+08:00

Rihanna - Shut Up & Drive (Video Premiere)
Uploaded by Alisvideo

For some reason, Rihanna makes me think of the Bratz. Maybe it's her slitty eyes and facial structure. Or the way she can cock her hips confidently.

And she's proof that you don't need to look skeletal to look great (out, Nicole Richie, OUT!).

Helping Someone With An Eating Disorder

2007-11-29T10:16:00.000+08:00

It can be hard for the people around an eating disordered individual to help. I realized how hard it is when my parents tell me that they often have no idea what to do to me, or even WHAT to say, fearing that they may trigger the disorder or something!

Came across this page from Something Fishy (which, incidentally, is a nice place other than the annoying 'MAY TRIGGER!' smilies all over the forums!) which i hope can be of help. I realized that there is a distinct lack of support for the families and loved ones of eating disordered people. Make it one of my personal projects to help in any way i can!

If you are fighting too bad with your family or something to show them this, just print it out and stick it on the fridge or their bedside table. It works for me!

Hugs

2007-11-28T08:33:00.000+08:00

There you are. The solitary person, in the chattering crowds of shoppers in the supermarket. Huddled deep in your thick sweater, yet still shivering as you reach one shriveled, claw-like hand out to yet another item from the fridge. Turning it over, slowly, looking at the nutritional information. A grimace, lips too big for your bony face. A flash of desperation, of wishing that it's something that you feel you can put into your mouth. Then back into the fridge it goes. And then it's on to the next item.

I always feel kind of helpless when i see someone like that outside. It wouldn't be a very nice encounter, if i went up and asked 'are you having an eating disorder?'. It sucks, in case they have terminal cancer and need to watch their salt or something (insert convoluted story with explanations for being emaciated and having a reason to look at the nutritional information tag).

I wish i can give the other sufferers of an eating disorder out there a huge hug. To tell them that we can all reach the end of our personal hell. To hang in there, to not give up, to ride every wave and be strong. I'm not proud of how deep i plunged into my abyss, and i would gladly give anything (edit: the selfish part of me likes to chime in that, ok, perhaps not everything!) to help anyone out of the same situation.

There's this undercurrent of glamour or something to having an eating disorder. Yes, i admit it. I felt it as well during the period i was resisting treatment and actively pro-anorexic. Oh, everyone loves bones (at least, that's what we delude ourselves into thinking). But there's nothing glamourous with being jabbed with a sedative, of screaming at a psychiatrist and your parents as you are bundled into a mental institution. Yet that's precisely where you'd end up if you succeeded at anorexia. Nope, you don't go strutting down a runway with your dress hanging off your non-existent boobs. You get a feeding tube shoved down your nose and filled with Ensure. Snot and spit ain't all that glam, you know?

But for lots of people currently in the throes in anorexia (i can't speak for all), wanting to be thin is no longer a goal. I understand. I've been thru the same thing. I started off with the diet wanting to lose weight, but later on in anorexia, i no longer wanted my weight to drop. I honestly didn't. I just am extremely fearful, that if i stopped doing whatever i'm doing, i would balloon up back to my previous state of 80kg. It might not be much encouragement, but i can testify that i'm eating much more than what i thought would make me shoot past 100kg, but my weight is showing no sign of budging from it's current position. Ok, a fluctuation of 1-2kg, but that's pretty much about it.

I can't give you a hug. But you would always be in my prayers.

Wanna-Be Terminatrix

2007-11-27T02:02:00.000+08:00

The ends justifies the means. You know, that phrase seriously appeals to me.

I like to think of myself as a ruthless Terminatrix, not above using any resource to get what i want. Any price is fine with me as long as i want that thing hard enough. Think cold, ruthless and emotionless... yes, just like the perfect Terminator.

Unfortunately, in reality, i just never live up to that ideal. Tears, fuzzy hugs and things like that get to me (and DON'T YOU EVER TRY IT ON ME!). Being sensitive might be a virtue... but i catch myself wishing that sometimes, i'm able to excise that bit out of me so that i don't need to go thru weak moments of being caught in a bind with my morals.

Yes, i might like to say that anything goes for me, that morals and ethics be damned, if something positive is gained by breaking them, so be it. But deep down, compromising on my morals and ethics leave me feeling more uncomfortable and uneasy than i dare to admit.

I might say that flirting to get what i want is a reasonable proposition. Unfortunately, the truth is that i'm still a helpless romantic deep down, and i'd probably be overwhelmed by guilt and shame if i actually did it.

I wish i'm more ruthless and less easily hurt.

Nifty Nineteen

2007-11-26T08:02:00.000+08:00

Egads! I'm 1 year closer to the number that's my life expectancy (assuming i don't die from some freak accident a la Final Destination).

My birthday was a quiet one that i spent with my family and N-Chick. Not that i don't like quiet ones. Ok, call me a boring person, but i much prefer a nice, quiet birthday to one with a huge party bash and stuff. Oh, the latter are fun too, but intimate affairs (get your mind out of the gutter!) appeals to me.

Being 19 is a funny thing. I never thought of myself being 19. Ok, i might have a chronological age of 19, but i'm pretty darn sure that i'm still somewhere like around sweet 16 on the inside. Being eating disordered, stuck in hospital and such has a funny way of affecting your independence. Not in a wholly bad way, but i tend to have times when i just wish that people can run my life for me (seeing how being my own boss tends to end up with me messing things up).

Oh wait... HECK, i can't believe that i'm 19 already!

It was still painful as i realize that it had been a year since my last birthday bash, and that i'm still stuck with the eating disorder. Oh sure, the positive (glass is half full!) side of me reminds me that it's a great step to be actively combating the eating disorder. While the pessimistic (glass half empty) side of Ryan reminds me that it's effectively 3 years wasted. Sighness.

The scariest part is that if someone asks me if i could do my life over, would i want to do anything differently? Yes, the eating disorder brought me so much pain, but without it, i'd probably have been some other cookie cutter dude on the street. I learnt so much about myself and about people; though the journey had been so painful, it's not something i would want to ever forget. And i wouldn't have met so many wonderful people in my life...

Editing note: Ryanryan decided to cut out the Academy Awards speech that materialized in the paragraph. He likes to thank his therapists, parents, friends from the ward, secondary school pals... Oops, back to the regular programming!

Hot As Ice

2007-11-25T12:22:00.000+08:00

Been going thru a rough spot at the moment, trying to get back on my feet. And yes, i realize i've been getting lazy with my posting.

Oops, I've Fallen For Love Again

2007-11-24T12:12:00.000+08:00

It's my birthday today!

Heart pounding
Falling
Face flushing
Voice stuttering
Freefall.

Hearts connecting
Falling
Head spinning
Pulse racing
Out of control.

Lips licking
Falling
Impulse acting
Restraints failing
You're so sweet.

Endless thinking
Falling
Rush exhilarating
Nerves tingling
Haven't felt this in a long time.

Sparks flying
Falling
Not stopping
Arms hugging
A happy ending?

Live And Let Live

2007-11-23T00:03:00.000+08:00

Do what you will, as long as you do no harm to others.

That is a personal ethic of mine which i stick to. Yes, if it sounds familiar, the exact version of it is from the Wiccan code. I'm not a believer in Wiccanism (and i hesitated before pointing out the connection as most people have a prejudice against Wiccanism, thinking that it involves withcraft and dark magicks and whatnot); let's just say that i'm still keeping an open mind on the matter of personal religions. But that's besides the point. Anyway...

Who is to say that my version of morals and ethics is superior over your's? Since there exists no absolute standard of morality (or perhaps, it might exist, but we have no way of getting hold of it), no amount of arguing or stuff would be able to settle the question of who's one is 'better'. I don't mind if you hold a different set of beliefs and morals and ethics, but i DO mind when someone tries imposing their set onto me.

On the human rights front, everyone has a right of choice. Even Christianity acknowledges that to accept salvation is out of one's own volition. No amount of external force can coerce one into accepting the faith. By the same token, i expect to be treated with the same amount of respect and not be coerced into accepting another's standards.

Sometimes, one group of people might claim that another group is morally repugnant. To that, the Bible goes like 'before you point the dirt out in someone's eye, take the wood out of your own'. Before you judge someone else, kindly check your own morals and behavior. If you find yourself falling short, then kindly focus your attention on correcting yourself FIRST before coming down on someone else.

Falling In Love

2007-11-22T00:29:00.000+08:00

Falling in love is just that
Falling
Out of control
Of your heart and your soul.

Falling in love is just that
Falling
That's how it feels
Falling head over heels.

Why love when love hurts?
Why love when love ends?
I know how it feels
When it turns and pretends
It ends with the pain
And the making amends
Why love when there's peace
In the making of friends?

Losing your heart is just that
Losing
Too high a cost
When it's given, it's lost.

Taking a risk is just that
Taking
Been there before
I can't take any more.

Why love when love hurts?
Why love when love ends?
I know how it feels
When it turns and pretends
It ends with the pain
And the making amends
Why love when there's peace
In the making of friends?

-Falling In Love, Forbidden City

Me Against The Music

2007-11-21T08:55:00.000+08:00

I don't particularly care either way for this song (there are nicer Britney ones out there) but the 2nd video is giggle inducing after you watch the 1st (official) one!

Monster Turned Nice

2007-11-20T07:50:00.000+08:00

If you asked me a year ago if i'd ever like Dr Lee, i'd have laughed right in your face. And added that she's the vilest monster you'd be able to find in this dimension of existence.

And boy, how big a turnabout one year later. And though i'm nowhere near total recovery, at least i know that i'm headed in that general direction. Whereas a year back, i was struggling to climb out of the marsh that's bulimia and into the swamp that is anorexia. A little change of destination, and a complete 180 on how you view loads of people in your life.

When my goal was to become sick(er), everyone who are trying to help me are branded as people who don't love me. What i didn't recognize is that they can see how my promised land of salvation is not that heavenly. But i simply dismissed them as crazy (how ironic, i never recognized the insanity in myself) and fought tooth and nail against them. The parents and Dr Lee bore the brunt of my anger since you can pretty much say they are the ones responsible for dragging me right out of my low physical weight.

I can see what Ms Boon means by that even the best team or hospital will never be able to help if the eating disordered person refuses to recover. Hell, they locked me up for months (and several times) in different places, but it didn't make an iota of difference. But when i decided to actually TRY, just a few weeks into treatment and i can say (truthfully, without the requisite ALTHOUGH) that i'm in a better and happier state.

There's this funny thing which happened 2 appointments back with Dr Lee. I'm on the verge of slipping back into a really bad lapse, and wanted to join the day program to stabilize myself. I expected to get chewed out by Dr Lee or something, but got surprised when she agreed readily. And when i told her i thought i'd be on the receiving end of her (infamous) screamings, she told me that she scolds... only when she has a reason to.

Which kind of made me take a step back. Hey, i don't think she (or any therapists, for that matter) derives any enjoyment from screaming at their patients. Ok, we always say that she has a sadistic side, that she loves being nasty for the sake of being nasty... But deep down (barring the addling of your brain from poor nutrition), we know that she'd probably get a ton of wrinkles and she gets no extra pay for chewing us out. Heck, she'd get a big fat bonus for keeping us in the ward since she'd guarantee a steady stream of income for SGH!

Screaming at us ain't a way for her to delight in patient torture (but since i'm not her, i can't say for sure!). It's more to jolt us awake and get us to think. Ok, once again, since i'm not her, i can't say for sure, but it did a pretty darned good job of making me sit up and take notice. At how much misery i'm causing to my parents. At how much they are willing to pay to get me well. At how happy they would be if i'm better. And hey, if she's wanting her bonus... She'd just not bother to scream at us, and sit there and drink tea at the morning sessions when we meet her. Then we'd continue on our merry way and continue to refuse food or throw up in the toilet, and she'd be guaranteed repeat business.

Oh great, reading this post feels like reading an extended advertisement. I PROMISE i'd not do it again! And if you're bearing a grudge against your therapist... Just remember that they don't have a reason nor incentive to get personal with you.

Beowulf

2007-11-19T09:09:00.000+08:00

NC-16??? Ok, that was my 1st reaction when i discovered Beowulf's rating after i watched the movie. Apparently, for violence and nudity. Which i didn't even NOTICE in the show! Ok, perhaps it's bloodier and nudier (is there a word like this?) than most animated movies, but still... Hey, i can think of PG movies that are about as bloody or nudy!

The movie is based on the poem Beowulf (which i confess, i've never read before). It's kind of a realistic animation sort of movie (think Advent Children) and ain't all that horrid on the eye, compared to BAD 'realistic animation' like Beast Wars. Apparently it's from the same people who did The Polar Express (which is infamous for the cadaver eyes on their characters). Yes, the eyes still look dead, but at least it's less deader looking this time round.

There's loads of gore, though most of it is implied. Like when Grendel (this huge, scary, yucky monster) attacks. People are smashed, eaten, torn into 2, impaled etc, but thing is, you don't see much because the action is moving so quickly and the 'camera' doesn't go into detail on them. In fact, the carnage is left to your imagination, which i think is a better call than animating it explicitly.

Nudity? Well, Beowulf duels Grendel in the buff, and looks HOT. But his, ahem, jewels are covered (think Austin Powers style) for the entire wrestling match, with intervening scenery. Oh, and the bit with Angelina Jolie appearing out of the water is overrated, you see the outline of everything that can be shown, save the tits and whatever's down there. Which, i guess, constitutes nudity for some people, and not for others. And you'd be too busy noting the presence of high heels (in a movie supposed to be set in ancient Britain, no less!) than her derriere.

I couldn't really follow the movie, though i suppose the original poem would be WAY harder for an airhead (me me me!) to comprehend. Particularly once the plot moves past the Grendel bits. And the incessant conversing in ancient sounding English gets on the nerves after a bit; you wish you have a remote so you can skip ahead to the spectacular battle scenes. Since the target audience are people who want action instead of arty farty types!

Which are REALLY good. Think action along the lines of the Transformer movie. Unfortunately, the final showdown (starring a destructive dragon) got a little draggy and unrealistic, but it's still good. And the attacks which has Grendel are semi-EEW inducing (think something along the lines of Saw when you try to imagine what happened to the people who got into the fray).

Get this movie when it's out on DVD, and enjoy in the comfort of your home projection system with surround sound. So that you can skip the dialogue and get straight into the action, which is what Beowulf is good at.

What's Next, Ryan?

2007-11-18T12:01:00.000+08:00

This is kind of a bleak post. If you're looking for a happy one today, then skip this one. Because i'm more or less a bunch of depressed cells clumped together to form a human body.

You might have noticed the lack of meat in my recent posts. I'm severely depressed and i haven't been able to write really well. I'd eventually stumble into a dead end and feel bad about it. I haven't been able to summon up my happy facade, and it's not terribly interesting to read a post colored by dark clouds, is it? *hinthint* Because you're reading one right now!

Anyway, i went thru A LOT the past week. You can go check the Ryanryan Files out because not all of it is nice and PG-rated, but i digress. At any rate, it was a rollercoaster and left a large toil on my mental defenses. And the final crack happened when dad tried forcing me to think about my future. The final straw, you can say, which led to a bad Saturday of binge eating (and i'm so depressed that i can't even bring myself to do the coping behaviors like exercise or, god forbid, barf).

I wish i can hang up a big sign that says LEAVE ME ALONE. The biggest obstacle for me at the moment is how scary my future is. Or more precisely, my lack of one. In so many ways, i find myself wishing that anorexia took away my life, so that i wouldn't need to struggle with these questions. I don't have anything to be proud of. Just an O level certificate, and that's it. I don't even know how to continue my education after my NS.

I don't have a future. When that realization sinks in, i feel so helpless, i try to fill up the void with food. The worst thing is, it just doesn't get filled up. It lies there like a festering sore, painful to the touch.

PS: Reading the post 12 hours after i posted it made my heart hurt. Does depression sap my writing as well??? I swear i don't type with this sort of bad grammar on normal days! At least, i hope...

Someday (I Will Understand)

2007-11-17T10:09:00.000+08:00

Yet another song by Britney Spears (i think i'm officially hooked since her In The Zone album; oh, and this one is from the B In The Mix). Maybe it's because i had a crap day and something about this kind of matches my mood and cheers me up at the same time.

In Extremes

2007-11-16T00:08:00.000+08:00

I find it hard to moderate everything which happens to me.

Ok, i never noticed that tendency before, because i was so caught up in bulimia and everything. But with the cessation of quite a lot of symptoms recently, one thing which bugged me was whether my extremistic tendencies are ME, or is it a quality from the eating disorder.

I tend towards an all-or-nothing mindset. Which is seen starkly in my bulimia. It's either a perfect day, or a binge day (and guess which happens 99% of the time?). But with bulimia less of an intrusion, i see that tendency manifesting in other aspects of my life. Like the need to do extremely well at something, or simply to throw in the towel and fail utterly. Basically, it boils down to either pure success or failure; i often fail to see that there can be grey areas and levels of success.

Everything is extreme. As in, it's either the ends, nothing that is in the middle. When i'm in love, i'm extremely commited. When i'm down, i'm extremely down. When i'm exercising, i'm extremely focused and hate to be interrupted. When i'm determined to do something, i go all out for it. Yes, those sound good. But when the inverse happens, when i feel that i've failed, even at a teensy little bit... Everything comes collapsing down as i shove the table in anger. Nothing in moderation.

It sucks. I try to try to acknowledge different degrees of achievement, but i just feel so frustrated that i'm stuck in this mindset.

I'm Not THAT Hungry Guy!

2007-11-15T16:30:00.000+08:00

One funny thing i realized: apparently there's another Hungry Guy on the internet... Who is famous (or perhaps, infamous) for writing erotic stories!

Just go google Hungry Guy. Besides my blog, you would probably find Hungry Guy stories or whatever, and i SWEAR those ain't me! It's embarrassing when people ask me out of the blue if i wrote those. Like, ok, if i do write kinky stories, i'd rather go publish them like the Mills and whatever novels and make a whole chunk of moolah off them (and i promise that the people on the cover of the book have 6 packs and DD boobs!).

Anyway, ahem. I got the inspiration of the blog's name from the Hungry Girl website. It's a pretty nice place which i stumbled upon once when hunting for lowfat smoothies (of all things), and got hooked onto it. It may not be the best place to go (diet websites can be kind of triggering if you're in the process of weight restoration!) but at least the site has a balanced approach (unlike the fasting/pro-ana methods). I am so totally JEALOUS of the people in USA who can get hold of stuff like Skinny Cow ice cream and so on!

Wait. Mental note: diet stuff don't taste like the real thing. But one pet peeve is that the diet things we have in Singapore tastes NOWHERE like the real thing. Except for Coke Light... But i digress.

At any rate, the eating disorder had served as a way to fill up this emotional and personal hunger inside of me. I can stuff myself full of food or exercise and starve myself till skin and bones, but i have never quite managed to satisfy that hunger inside. I'm still searching, and hopefully, one day, i'm able to find my own nirvana.

3 Times A Day

2007-11-14T01:48:00.000+08:00

In a way, i wish that an eating disorder is like an addiction in terms of recovery and rehab. How nice would it be to just abstain from the drug (food) entirely, go cold turkey. Unfortunately... Why, oh why, must food be a necessity of life???

I'm not saying that drug rehab or stuff would be any easier or harder than recovery from an eating disorder. It's just quite frustrating sometimes when i think about it. If you're an alcoholic or substance abuser, you don't touch it for the rest of your life. But with an eating disorder... you'd have to take the demon out of the cage for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Oh, and snacks too.

Things get way simpler in the ward. Because you just have to have your meals, whether you like it or not. Or whether you are hungry or not. And it may seem crude and barbaric, but just having the decision to eat taken out of your hands (don't worry, there's a dietician on the treatment team) and taken care of by somebody else is such a great relief (and a great torture for the eating disorder). Yes, the demon still have to be petted, but at least there's people who know how to deal with it on hand to keep it docile.

I'm still taking my demon out for walks. And getting better at it with each time i succeed in keeping it reined in.

Gimme More

2007-11-13T09:10:00.000+08:00

Connection to internet still wonky, and i gotta call Singnet up. In the meantime, here's dredging up all the old posts from the unposted stuff in my drafts!

Something is making this song loop in my head.

The Self-Harm Factor

2007-11-12T00:01:00.000+08:00

My 1st brush with self-harming came with a period when i was very anti-recovery, refusing to take my anti-depressant medications, and intense self hatred amidst a whirlwind of bingeing (and being unable to purge) and quarrelling with the parents.

It's weird, really. I can't really dredge up much about that period from my memory banks, and only looking at my old blog entries can i recreate a rough picture of what happened at that time. It's kind of like, trying to remember your toddlerhood. You can recall bits and pieces, perhaps happy times when you're squealing with joy or whatever, but those memories seem kind of distant and scattered. That's the same way i see that time of depression now.

Self-harming may be done for lots of different reasons, and i can't honestly say that i did a lot of research on it or stuff, but for me, it seemed to stem from my intense self-hatred, feeling of loss of control over so many aspects of life that the only way to (in a sick way) regain 'control' as well as expressing intense anger towards the parents when i felt that i had no other way to do so (and don't forget that depression plays a huge role in systematically closing off alot of options until the sufferer doesn't even think that there's any other options anymore). Like the eating disorder, it's not a simple event which has identifiable causes, and had the addictive tendency about it which can make it snowball. Thankfully, i got forced out of self harming before it took root (though it's never fun to be stuck in IMH!), and the better part is that i ESCAPED without scarring.

Call me a vain pot, but i don't want the scars on my arms. Because i'm still waiting for the day to get those damned biceps out!

At any rate, i remember that it was a really bleak period for me, and i was in such a low mood, i was locked up in my room daily, finding temporary solace in yet another binge. That fueled arguments with my parents, and led to another binge, which lost it's effectiveness as a way for me to block and blunt out the emotions. When they took the internet access away, i 'got the final straw', so as to speak, with even my pals on instant messaging taken away, and not being able to deal with the deluge of loneliness and pain, the razor blade seemed as good as anything to start slicing myself with.

I honestly don't know why i did that. I mean, ok, i know that it's the emotions and stuff which added up on me. And me hearing and knowing about self-harming from staying in all those psychiatric wards and IMH didn't help. But i can't blame staying at those places as the sole factor, because, quite honestly, the 1st time the blade bit, it just felt like the most natural thing to do in the world. Call it possession or whatever, but i just felt as though it's the most obvious thing to do at that time.

It hurt like shit. Well, duh. I didn't get past the depth of a papercut, which kind of gave me enough pain to 'express the intense depression'. The fling with it lasted for a month or so, and it wasn't too frequent, but there was a definite addictive quality to it, much like how i would crave a binge if i go restricting. It's a tiny itch in the back of my mind, one that intensifies if you scratch that itch. Happily, i can say that the itch is gone now (and i don't want scarring!). Honestly. I get a little freaked when i think about it. Like, i'd go EEW and shudder at the thought of drawing a razor over my skin!

Normalcy

2007-11-11T00:14:00.000+08:00

Picture uploading to ANY host is failing for all the computers in the house, so it's probably time to call the SingNet helpline up. In the meantime... Hey, they say words can be a thing of beauty, didn't they???

Normalcy is such a strange thing to define, feel, explain, exposite on. It's never noticed by it's presence, only noted by it's absence.

Oops, i think i'm feeling weirdly poetic today. Maybe that's what poets or whatever call the Muse. You know, the Chinese ones with long white beards, staring at a beautiful lake and swishing on their calligraphy paper. Or the stuffy English one, in starched Elizabeth-en get ups, scribbling away with a feather quill on a parchment. Ok, ignore this long tangent, i'm just being Muse-ey today!

It's weird, after being sick for so long, to try to accomplish something as basic as EATING and caring and loving for myself again. It's scary trying to remember how much self loathing i carried against myself, scary thinking about the worst i went thru in anorexia and bulimia. I'm struggling my way out of the morass now, but i still see a long way to go before i reach my personal goal of being completely recovered.

But i've been tasting brief flashes of normalcy, ones which started off as just small reminders of the past, and slowly growing in length and intensity as i pour more effort into getting better. I'm doing things which the me, a year ago, would never have imagined myself doing. Like not feeling the need to deny myself of my hunger. Or exercising the shit out of my body. Or hating myself with every mouthful i consume.

And doing normal things, which hasn't been normal to me ever since i had an eating disorder. The simple pleasures of life like waking to a sunny morning, relaxed on bed (and not feeling my tummy and hating it for existing). Of exerting during a bicep curl, content in the knowledge that i'm doing it to look better (and not cursing at myself, forcing myself to the treadmill after that to atone for whatever caloric sin i committed). Hanging with old friends from secondary school (from the time before i had an eating disorder), piecing the pieces of the old me together again.

What Ryan likes:
-Being lazy in front of the computer.
-Being the clown of the crowd.
-Junk food!
-Helping people figure things out.
-Innocent flirting (you didn't read that from here!).
-Playing Magic.

Piece of Me

2007-11-10T03:27:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling so crazy and depressed and jumpy as i type this. Yes, and stupid Blogger is refusing to let me upload any pictures the past few days, and i hope that the kinks are worked out quick. It's driving me nuts!

So yes, anyway, inspired by the new Britney Spear's 'autobiography' tune, Piece of Me, here's my version. Oh, and it's tongue in cheek (i'm not feeling really like trying to be serious and all corsetted up), so don't think i'm ready to do something stupid.

I've been living a dream
Since i was 17
Ignore me if i'm throwing up in your sink
I see my case notes in the hospital admissions clinic
When i go to collect my Prozac and Faverin
You want a piece of me?
You want a piece of me...

I'm Mr Bad Influence Karma
Another day another drama
Guess i just keep doing harm
In people i love and some
Eating loads and then some
I'm still an exception
And you want a piece of me.

I'm Mr-10-Admissions-Notorious
(do you want a piece of me)
I'm Mr-Oh-God-I'm-Unsure-On-Recover
(do you want a piece of me)
I'm Mr-Cute-But-Has-A-Mental-Disorder
(do you want a piece of me)
I'm Fucked-Up-And-Scared-Of-Rice-And-Butter
(do you want a piece of me).

Wanna Be An Anorexic?

2007-11-09T08:51:00.000+08:00

Anorexia nervosa is NOT a diet. It still confounds me how so many people take an eating disorder lightly. Indeed, some even go 'let's be anorexic and drop 5kg!' or something like that.

Hate to pop your balloon, but unfortunately, your stars have to, quite literally, be aligned in order for the eating disorder to take root (which is nowhere near as nice as winning the lottery too). It's not just about the physical act of eating funny. It's about the intense guilt from eating and the self doubting and loathing. And from never being happy with what you accomplish and driving yourself harder than the worst taskmaster in history. Nothing will ever satisfy that harsh inner critic. 100% for your tests is never enough; you have to make sure your handwriting is perfect and you don't leave any splotches of ink on your paper as well.

Oh, perhaps you might say that anorexia is effective at weight loss (assuming you can keep the eating disorder demon under control). Yeah. Right. That's like saying that doing chemotherapy is a good weight loss method. Hey, it is, ain't it? So do you want to go thru the same kind of pain? There's alot of pain under the surface with eating disorders, and it's not something that's 'you can just snap out of' (i just hate it when people tell me that).

The effects of it last for life. Osteoporosis? Impaired height (hello, midget Ryan)? The wasted years? The lost hair? The psychological distress? The constant love/hate relationship with food/family/friends/everything in life? The depression? The OCDness, like how you MUST exercise/diet? And driving your loved ones nuts with getting you to eat. Oh, don't forget to read the fine print before signing yourself up.

I know what the feeling that i need to lose weight, at any cost, is like. Hey, i started off at 85kg, myself, and hated the physical shell i'm in. And if the old me read this post, i'm afraid to say that i'd still think that it's worth it. And boy do i wish i can knock myself on my head. It's NOT WORTH ALL THE PAIN (and that's out of the mouth of somebody who experienced, and still experiencing, the effects of an eating disorder).

Honestly, if you want to be sick, i wouldn't mind trading my existence with you.

Girlfriend

2007-11-08T00:45:00.000+08:00

Maybe i have a funny sense of humor. But i find Girlfriend (by Avril Lavigne) and its music video to be quintessentially me!

The video is un-embed-able by Youtube, but here's the link! Oh, and here's the version made with the Sims 2!

Body Jealousy

2007-11-07T09:00:00.000+08:00

I hate feeling body jealousy. It so reeks of being shallow and stuff. I wish that i never came equipped with a jealousy organ, or whatever appendage that generates the hormones which signals it!

I guess there's 2 types of body jealousy. Or maybe, it's just that i've experienced only this 2 distinct types so far in my life. The 1st kind is the sort which can be more accurately described as body envy (being a milder and non-vindictive form of jealousy). While the 2nd type would be the full blown sort of jealousy, the green-eyed monster type. And just for easy reference purposes, let's call the 1st as body envy, and the 2nd as body jealousy.

Body envy is the easy and less vindictive one to describe. You know, like when you see Julian Hee and go all 'damn, he's hot and i'd kill for being able to have that body'? Or the female version usually entails Jessica Simpson/Alba and pre-disaster Britney Spears or whoever's the Hot Chick at the moment. There's the drool factor involved, but at the back of our puny mortal heads, we know that we can never reach their perfect, airbrushed status.

Then the 2nd one is the body jealousy type. Oh boy do i hate feeling that way. It's the sort when you walk past somebody totally hot on the street and that person is just too hot and perfect. And equipped with the dream physique/face/nose/random body part that you've always wanted. And then you are smacked in the face with the realization that you're JEALOUS of whatever that THAT person possesses, and which you don't. And you're perfectly happy to murder that person to have whatever he/she has if you can get away with it.

Hmm, sounds like a perfect plot for a slasher flick...

Functions of Your Eating Disorder Worksheet

2007-11-06T06:27:00.000+08:00

1) Check off any of the following roles that your eating disorder serves in your life:
(Y)-Helps cope with negative thoughts and feelings (depression, anxiety).
(Y)-Relieves/manages stress.
(Y)-Protects your self-esteem.
(N)-Controls your weight.
(Y)-Suppresses traumatic memories.
(Y)-Helps you feel in control.
(N)-Helps you hold the family together.
(Y)-Gives comfort.
(?)-Helps you receive attention from family members and/or friends.
(Y)-Gives you a unique identity.
(N)-Gives you time for yourself.
(Y)-Relieves boredom.
(Y)-Helps you deal with anger by channeling emotion inward.
(Y)-Allows you to procrastinate on overwhelming tasks.
(Y)-It feels familiar (companion, habit).
(Y)-Helps you strive for perfectionism.
(Y)-Focuses and distracts you from more difficult issues.
(Y)-Acts an excuse for failed expectations.
(Y)-Gives you discipline or punishment ("I don't deserve to eat").
(Y)-Gives you momentary freedom (play, escape, high, "temporary amnesia").
(Y)-Numbs your emotions.
(Y)-Buffers your relationships (removes emotions).
(N)-Purging allows you a perception of normalcy-allows for "normal eating".
(Y)-Acts an excuse for escape from daily stresses.
(N)-Helps you fit ideal of society.
(Y)-Gives you a sense of accomplishment.
-Other function:

2) Examine the functions of your eating disorder that you have checked off above. In the space below, explain how your eating disorder works for you in terms of the functions you identified.

-Helps cope with negative thoughts and feelings (depression, anxiety):
Without my eating disorder, i would feel overwhelmed by the negative thoughts and feelings.
-Relieves/manages stress:
By engaging in bingeing/restricting, i shift my focus away from the stress and mindboggling fear onto something more manageable.
-Protects your self-esteem:
When i fail at things (or in advance before failing), i tell myself that since i'm eating disordered, i can blame my eating disorder instead of my own shortcomings when i fail at things.
-Suppresses traumatic memories:
In order to avoid places (like outpatient clinics at IMH/SGH, or places i have strong and perhaps, uncomfortable, memories at in the past that may or may not have been related to my eating disorder), i would binge so that i have an excuse to not have to go to that place and replay the memories.
-Helps you feel in control:
I am able to say no to people in a roundabout way by bingeing, so that i would not have to steel myself to give an outright NO.
-Gives comfort:
Food and the eating disorder seem like the only trust-able and dependable entities in my life.
-Helps you receive attention from family members and/or friends:
Sometimes, it feels good being taken care of and having my feelings respected because i'm 'sensitive' and 'have an eating disorder'.
-Gives you a unique identity:
Not directly giving me an identity, but more like, i have never really been able to develop or be the me that i want to be, and the default identity i assume now would be being the eating disordered person.
-Relieves boredom:
When i feel alone or helpless at having a large block of empty time, i would binge in order to 'fill it up'.
-Helps you deal with anger by channeling emotion inward:
I have never been comfortable with publicly displaying anger. Anger has always been one of the 'uncomfortable' emotions which i try not to feel or acknowledge. In order to express it or just to ignore it (even i don't know which one), i binge. In the past, the anger had also been diffused by purging.
-Allows you to procrastinate on overwhelming tasks:
I can delay unpleasant stuff into 'the future' indefinitely by engaging in eating disorder symptoms.
-It feels familiar (companion, habit):
Engaging in symptoms and being lost in the eating disorder thoughts feel more natural than being normal.
-Helps you strive for perfectionism:
There is a subconscious belief in my head that part of being perfect is being in total control of my body and related functions. And being able to resist hunger is counted as a strength in my book.
-Focuses and distracts you from more difficult issues:
Bingeing seems to help me become 'hyper-focused' for a short period of time. Also, if i want to avoid issues or events, i can binge to ignore them.
-Acts an excuse for failed expectations:
I can blame the eating disorder instead of my own shortcomings, so that i don't need to acknowledge that i am the 'bad failure' and can shift the blame to the eating disorder. It's not a conscious thing, more of an unconscious shielding of my own self from real shortcomings.
-Gives you discipline or punishment ("I don't deserve to eat"):
It feels good to deprive myself, perhaps in a unconscious or subconscious way, of appealing to the sado-masochist side of me (that's NOT saying i'm into bondage/leather or stuff!), to be both the torturer and the victim at the same time.
-Gives you momentary freedom (play, escape, high, "temporary amnesia"):
It feels like an escape from the drudgeries of life and to numb my depression for a short period of time.
-Numbs your emotions:
Strong emotions make me uncomfortable and brings up the fear of loss of control, and engaging in the eating disorder helps in redirecting and blunting the strength of the emotions.
-Buffers your relationships (removes emotions):
I can shift strong feelings towards people (love/hate/anger/jealousy/etc) which i find uncomfortable and 'selfish' onto food, which doesn't have emotions and wouldn't be hurt.
-Acts an excuse for escape from daily stresses:
When i feel overwhelmed by life, the eating disorder provides an escape from reality.
-Gives you a sense of accomplishment:
I feel a shameful sense of pride if i control my appetite/exercise. In that, i derive a sense of satisfaction from the control i place upon myself successfully; but at the same time, i know that it is the wrong thing to do.

3) On the scale below, rate how much you need your eating disorder to serve the purposes you identified above by placing an X in the line below.

0%__________50%__________X100%
0%=Do not need your eating disorder at all to serve these functions.
100%=Completely need your eating disorder to serve these functions.

4) Considering the functions of your eating disorder that you have identified above, you can see that your eating disorder helps to fulfill certain needs in your life. Take some time to think about these needs. What other methods do you have of getting these needs met?

Honest answer to the last question is that i HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO ANSWER IT. Oh, and if you wanna try the worksheet, go ahead and just file off my answers and you have gotten a brand new one!

Everytime

2007-11-05T12:45:00.000+08:00

For some odd reason, the Everytime music video by Britney Spears is almost like a walking testament to how much she's stalked by the paparazzi and in the headlines everyday. I can't claim that i know her (well, DUH!), but i'm all for giving the star a break. She needs to get her act together without making the gossip rags everyday (hinthint: put some undies on when you're at it, Britney!). Oh, and dumping that stupid K-Fed was a good move too; her career started going downhill after hooking up with him.

She really needs help. I just can't help but feel happy at the dissing that Perez Hilton gave, but like this thread on MindSupport, i really think someone needs to give her a shake AND a hug. The poor girl needs it.

Oh, and here's a cool remix-ed version as well! It definitely is just as interesting.

TangYuan

2007-11-04T09:48:00.000+08:00

By good god (or whatever floats your exclamation boat), i survived tangyuans!

Oh, what are tangyuans? They're glutinous rice balls with sweet feelings in them (see the old occupational therapy session which we made them in) and which usually comes in a sweet soup. Yes, they're HOT, so don't pop them into your mouth straight away, or risk getting your tongue burnt to crisp. On a 2nd thought, can you scald something to crisp... Eew, yucky thought.

Anyway, back to topic. After a support group meeting, i was feeling more encouraged than usual. The parents suggested going to Chinatown for supper, and i played along gamely. Oh, i'm not a supper person because i used to have a strict rule about not eating after 2000... and though that rule had been recently relaxed, i still can't wrap my head around the idea of having more than 300 calories at near bedtime. But M Gal told me that she just challenged a Ramly burger before the group, and i'm thinking (in a non-competitive way) if she could do it, why am i such a puss???

There's this Food Street or something around Chinatown, and i discovered (to my dismay) that it is STIFLING. Yes, as in, windless, hot, stuffy STIFLING. The wind is blocked off in all directions by the low rising shophouses, and it's driving me nuts to have sweat running down my boardshorts, so i convinced the parents to tapow (take away) the food home instead.

Mom spotted a tangyuan store with loads of recommendations and newspaper clippings attached to its front (most of the vendors there sell from roadside trolley stores), and i realized i haven't had one since... JC1, when i went with JiaYing and friends from secondary school. Man, that was ages back. Oh, and i forgot to mention i was a tangyuan freak. I decided that i'd spring for that as a challenge.

Got home and had the tangyuans in peanut soup. It's weird trying to describe the experience of it to someone normal, but what struck me was how NORMALLY i ate it. Without restricting (and giving tangyuan or what away to my siblings), without bingeing in guilt after it. Feeling nice and warm and sleepy. Not feeling like i need to go for a run after it (though i admittedly ran earlier in the day, but i had extra food to make up for it already). Sliding into bed under the covers and falling asleep.

The more i try to describe normalcy, the more un-normal it becomes. It feels... nice. To be normal. For once.

It's so ordinary. So normal. And such a new experience for me.

Oh, and by the way, get the green tea flavored ones. They ROCK way more than red bean and yam (which just tasted kind of MEH).

Permission Granted

2007-11-03T11:06:00.000+08:00

One body image group therapy session had been giving ourselves permission cards. Sounds corny at 1st, but boy it was kind of surprising the effect of being given permission to do something.

Ever realize the more rules you are given, the more the urge to just lash out and rebel? And then there's the all-or-nothing mindset common to lots of eating disorder sufferers, which makes rebelling dangerous since one rule broken may lead to a compulsion to break ALL of them. And hey, at it's essence, an eating disorder involves LOTS of RULES. Rigid rules. Ones that cannot be broken.

And when they're broken? Well, speaking as a bulimic, that results in me throwing everything and the kitchen sink out of the window and i binge, figuring that since i've 'committed a sin', i might as well go the whole way.

So it's nice giving myself a permission card to do things against my personal rules. Implicitly, it's permission to be 99% perfect instead of being 100%. And there is a reassuring thing of having the cards around, of knowing that i can comfort myself with that i've 'given myself permission' to be naughty, instead of having to beat myself up with exercise or restriction should i break the rules of my eating disorder.

It sounds corny. But give it a try before you diss it, because it worked for me in the past and i'm using the new batch to help myself now. And hey, you wouldn't know that it wouldn't work for you until you have given it a try, right???

1) Get hold of some credit card sized paper. Ok, it's purely for aesthetic purposes, to make the cards look like something you can turn or trade it in for.

2) Start each card off with 'I will allow myself to...' or some variation of it. The key bit is something which makes you feel better about breaking the rules, entitling yourself to break the rules. Like that kind of passes which a teacher gives you so that you get to leave the school early to go for an appointment, or something like that.

3) Feel free to allow yourself anything! I had ones that entitle myself to skip a day of exercise if i don't feel like it, for allowing myself to loosen my tummy muscles, for allowing myself as much cereal and milk as i want for a breakfast... Off the top of my head, i can think of more like to allow myself a free smoothie with every gym session i go to (hinthint: mom can pay for it!), to allow myself to have a comfortable night of sleep without punishing myself by taking away my blanket or something.

4) Trade them in whenever you want to, or when you get the surge of guilt from breaking one of the eating disorder's rules! Or just plaster them around or carry them in your wallet or something, to remind yourself that it's ok to break the rules, since you have allowed yourself to do so.

Don't thank me for this idea, say thanks to Ms Boon the psychologist!

HL Chocolate Milk

2007-11-02T08:34:00.000+08:00

Chocolate! Rich, creamy chocolate milk! How on earth can that not send orgasmic tingles down your spine??

Much as i hate to admit it, milk chocolate IS one of the things that i have a weakness for. Darn, it's not chic to admit that you like chocolates, unless it's dark chocolates for health reasons (and honestly, i HATE the bitter tang of it). Too bad chocolate is one of the things that i binge on, so it's definitely not safe to leave bars of them lying around the house!

One of the fears i got over in the last admission was HL chocolate milk. It's so weird, but i just took them in addition to my meals (when we go out to buy food), and by exposure, it just... stopped being a binge food. Heck, it's not TOTALLY a safe food, but at least, it's no longer a trigger food. I think it's hard to explain the concept to someone who's not eating disordered!

But it IS good. And the best part is that i'm not the only one who says so (since my tastebuds ain't the most trustworthy ones around!); count younger brother among one of the many who agrees with me! The chocolate HL usually disappears fast from the fridge, unfortunately. Darn, i shouldn't have let the rest of the family onto the secret...

It tastes like a good milk shake. I have NO idea how Marigold does it, but it tastes richer, creamier and thicker than other chocolate 1% milks. Heck, it tastes better than most chocolate whole milks!

Marigold HL chocolate milk
(per 200ml serving)
149cal, 10.4g protein, 2g fat (1.4g saturated), 22.4g carbohydrate (0.6g fibre)

The milk holds special memories for me too. A really good pal, Petrina, liked them a lot, and is one of the things she said she never gave up even in the depths of her anorexia. One of the funnest memories? Both of us sipping our HL milks while visiting the Sayang Wellness ward in IMH to say hi to the nurses.

I Am

2007-11-01T08:43:00.000+08:00

There's something about this Hilary Duff song which makes it my personal anthem. It just, SO describes me. I hate to be anyone's stereotype, and yet being a stereotype can be weirdly comfortable.

And when you think you have me figured out, then guess what. I still have surprises in store.

The Starch-Depression Factor

2007-10-31T06:26:00.000+08:00

It was not the simplest thing in the world to do, but somehow, doing it helped loosen me up about it in general.

Get your mind out of the gutter! I'm talking about starches!

You see, i kind of realized that the starch-free diet i'm doing prones to tip me over the depressed edge into bingeing behavior. My mood is just a monotonous low and i get blinding headaches when i cut them out totally. I didn't really put the connection together until i reintroduced starches (starting with the safer feeling All-Bran Extra Fibre cereal!) did i see an improvement in my mood. Ok, i had to deal with the stupid 'run for toilet, i'm gonna rip a FART! syndrome' of a suddenly increased fibre intake, but it ended surprisingly quickly over the 2 days.

THEORETICALLY, i knew that a low-starch diet would cause a depressed mood (it's supposed to have been scientifically proven). I just never thought the effect would be THAT severe until i felt the difference in myself. Then you look back at the time when you went without starches in your diet, and you go WHOA, i'm DEFINITELY much more down at that time!

It's not just the crankiness of going starch free which gets to me. When you're limiting your starches, the overall carbohydrate total goes down too (unless you're going on a MASSIVE fruit binge). And those dieticians got their facts right when they say that you need your carbs for energy. I can barely do my weight training (and can't even THINK of doing my cardio) when i'm doing a carb-free diet.

Still, there exists a fear (you might call it an irrational one) that having my starches in combination with ANY amount of fat would cause fat storage. Chalk it up to obsessive reading of low-carbohydrate diets. Yes, Dr Atkins, i'm LOOKING at YOU!

The Lord of the Rings

2007-10-30T08:14:00.000+08:00

Hey, it's one of the greatest fantasy books ever written. And how many fantasy books you know had been made into blockbuster movies? Not a whole lot, right? So, it SHOULD be a good read... Until you poke your nose into the book.

I heard of the Lord of the Rings from my trusty InQuest magazine, when they were going nuts about a movie adaptation of it coming up about 2 years in the future. And loads of (admittedly geeky) people raved about the book, so i decided to pick it up from the bookshop on the whim when i saw it.

Boy, at 1st glance, you would probably have fainted. It's a massively thick tome (i got the complete version with the Fellowship of the Ring, the Two Towers and the Return of the King all bound together in a single volume) and the words are DAMN SMALL can!

I tried to read it. I truly did. But it's pretty deep stuff, and i couldn't really make a head or tail out of it. What made it worse is that Tolkien (the author) loved a meandering kind of prose and can spend 2 DARNED PAGES describing something as mundane as a meadow!

I rightly wondered how is it supposed to be a good read. Only after watching the movies and heading back to the books did it make much sense, though it felt like loads of hard work for just a fair bit of enjoyment.

The truly awe inspiring part of the book is the feeling of grandeur which Tolkien evokes. Middle-Earth (the place the story is set in!) has a sense of deep history and hidden secrets about it, and the trilogy barely even began to scratch the surface of Middle-Earth's rich history. It just makes me want to go all geek out and delve into a library at Minas Tirith (props if you know where that is!) and check the history books out!

The Lord of the Rings may superficially be like Harry Potter (both deal with fantasy), but that's only because Gandalf and the Hogwarts people wear pointy hats. In truth, it's a total different 'taste' of fantasy altogether. Perhaps you might dislike it, or perhaps you would walk away with a sense of wonder after finishing the book.

Last word of encouragement: don't worry, the traipsing thru the forest in the 1st half of the Fellowship of the Ring is the only REALLY blathery bit of the book. Even the makers of the movie decided to snip that bit, or else the audience would be fast asleep 30 minutes into the movie.

The Exercise Goal

2007-10-29T08:54:00.000+08:00

What the heck am i trying to accomplish? No, that's not a trick question; it's something which caught me flat footed and asked by Dr Chew (a sports management physician i saw). To me, exercise is just something i HAD to do if i don't want to get fat. In other words, i'm driven to pound away at a proverbial treadmill without a goal in mind; i'm motivated by avoidance (to be as far away from being fat as possible) as opposed to aiming for something.

THAT question got me wondering and going about setting my priorities about exercise right. No matter what my eating disorder might say about my physique, a quick check with friends who are brutally honest with me reveals that i'm not fat or obese or whatever. And being honest with myself when setting an exercise goal helped too. No point setting a goal which is all politically correct and everything, if it's not what i truly want.

I'm motivated to exercise for my looks. Ok, you can all me a vainpot now! Health and performance, blah blah blah, they don't interest me. I'm interested in looking the best i can. And having a defined goal went a long way in determining my current regime. For example, there is no point in just running my ass off if what i want is an upper body that can carry off a tank top!

Having a goal in mind is instrumental. Without a goal, it's just like running like mad on a treadmill. Sure, you're putting in a lot of effort, but you're not fucking getting anywhere except bounce up and down on the same piece of real estate! Having an exercise goal is one of the most important things i did in establishing WHY i exercise, and in trashing much of the compulsive behaviors (in that i see the reason why i have to exercise, as opposed to exercising just so because it's one of the things i MUST do every day).

This might sound cheesy, but it helped in my goal setting.

SMART=specific, measurable, achievable, reasonable, timed (i stole the SMART thing from a really good book i found, Weight Training for Dummies).

Specific: If you're having a tough time with consistent workouts, set a specific goal that you want to achieve that isn't too extreme. For example, set a specific goal to go thru your weight-training program each week.

Measurable: A measurable goal is one that you can objectively determine whether or not your met the goal. For example, make a measurable goal be to train at least 2 times per week for at least 25 minutes per session.

Achievable: If you've been having a hard time finding a spare hour to train, don't plan to do a 1 hour workout. Instead, set a more achievable goal for your schedule such as 2 25 minute workouts.

Reasonable: If you're having a tough time training twice a week, don't set a goal to train 3 times a week. First, master finding time to train twice a week and build from there. If even 2 times a week is tough, start out with a goal of once a week and build from there. Remember, you don't have to achieve your fitness goals all in the 1st month.

Timed: Give yourself a set time to meet your goal. For example, if you set the goal of training at least 2 times per week for a minimum of 25 minutes per session, decide that you want to achieve this over a 2 month period. If 2 months seems too long to you, start with a goal of 1 month.

Studies tell us that it takes about 8 weeks of doing a new behavior to create a new habit. Know that after you've passed the 1st 8 weeks of consistent training, you're well on your way to successfully achieving your goals and maintaining a lifetime of fitness.

Keep in mind that life happens. If you fall off track, don't waste precious time beating yourself up with negative thoughts. Simply assess what interfered with your regular training, benefit from the experience, and get right back into your program. As the ancient Chinese saying goes, "The journey of 10000 miles begins with a single step." This wisdom is applicable to your training. Just keep putting 1 foot in front of the other and believe in yourself.

By the way, take a big reality check: Don't expect to look like the sculpted, fat-free people who sell weight training products on TV infomercials or magazine ads. Many of these models have unusual genetics, have taken drugs, and/or have undergone liposuction and added implants to achieve their looks (in addition to being digitally enhanced by professional film producers). In fact, among men, chest or pec and calf implants are popular, while more and more women are getting butt implants. Mentioning this phenomenon is not to advocate plastic surgery. This is simply to let you know that most people who have bodies that look a little too perfect are likely to have achieved that look thru unnatural means. So don't set yourself up for failure before you begin by trying to look like a TV or magazine model by using natural methods. It's impossible. Simply aim to be your best you.

-Weight Training for Dummies

My Happy Ending

2007-10-28T09:33:00.000+08:00

Some people find it comforting to have love-sicky music on after breaking up. Me? I figure i'd go for something more rough and rebellious.

I've loved Avril Lavigne since her 1st album. And somehow, My Happy Ending seemed weirdly appropriate for my anthem of the day.

PS: It's so dumb that i'm telling myself to get over it, but my mind and soul doesn't seem to be able to GET OVER being unceremoniously dumped. I promise, PROMISE (see, my fingers AND TOES ain't crossed!) that this would be the last post to the horrid event!

The Karmic Payback Factor

2007-10-27T09:49:00.000+08:00

I thought that we were able to last forever,
go thru every shit the world throws at us together,
weather things people said were impossible,
just be together for time immaterial.

It's hard to accept that when reality interrupts,
makes the 2 of us part and grow up,
chuck the other as a relic of the past,
the emotions growing cold and tough.

I bought into the whole fairy-tale ending,
of happily ever after and castles and bling,
in stories the princesses don't go off on a fling,
neither do they raid the fridge in a binge.

You can tell that i'm kind of emotional and bitter. Oh well. Chalk it up to a heartbreak which wasn't all that unexpected, anyway. The relationship had been zooming on a downhill anyway, and the sooner it happened, the better. I feel bad that i'm the one who was responsible for starting the cracks, since i have the eating disorder and all, not to mention being monogamy-averse. I was unfaithful and everything. Someone bite me.

I guess i shouldn't be pissed with anyone. It's karma, after all. I broke the Other Person's heart, and in time, whatever i set into motion would come back to bite me in my (ample) ass. In a weird way, i miss having a raging battlefield of quarrels. It's worse when the war ceases and both sides grow cold, indifferent, to each other. Better ANY emotion felt than no emotions at all.

I'm not the nicest bitch around the neighborhood today. Do not pet. Do not provoke. Remember to get your rabies, tetanus and whatever shots. Most of all, do NOT feed.

The Rice Factor

2007-10-26T08:53:00.000+08:00

One irritating thing about being Chinese (or Asian, for that matter): RICE!!!

For Chinese (or is it Chinese-eses?), rice is almost synonymous with a meal (like how '饭' or rice can be used interchangeably as '餐' or meal). Like that greeting '你吃饭了没有？', which can be translated literally as 'Have you eaten (your rice) yet?'. Goes to show how fundamental rice is, for the purposes of determining a meal, in the Chinese mind.

I don't really have a preference for rice. I guess i have nothing against it in particular, but it's irritating that i have to pick it as a starch option when there are so many nicer tasting starches out there! I'm more a pasta or potato (or cereal; i can have it for EVERY MEAL!) person, and given the choice (or rather, no choice) of starches, it's those i gravitate to.

White rice had been the very 1st item that i struck off my diet when i went on one, and even now, of all the starches, it is the one that i fear most. Oddly, while i'm in treatment, i don't experience any great guilt over eating it, but having it at home is next to impossible. Or possible, but it would spark off a cascade of eating disordered thoughts and actions. Perhaps it's too much of the brainwashing by popular culture. You know, the trend that goes 'white rice is EVIL, it's a REFINED grain that's fibre-less, it turns to sugar in your bloodstream, pick BROWN rice' blah blah blah. It's hard to ignore all that, and to view white rice as just a food, not an AVATAR OF PURE EVIL, for me.

Strangely, noodles are a form of starch which had went thru more processing, and which, by the eating disorder's logic, more unhealthy. And heck, protein bars and DIET COLA are the epitome of processed, 'unnatural' food. Goes to show how illogical the eating disorder's apparent logic is.

Complaint: white rice tastes of NOTHING! It's annoying. People say, spoon the sauce over it so it will taste of something. I go, if the sauce is nice, WHY NOT JUST SLURP THE SAUCE??? Confession: i always had a weakness for nice sauces. If i don't have the eating disorder, i'd be happily lapping curry up by the spoonful. On the other hand, i concede that curry and rice is a happy marriage; curry just doesn't GO well with anything else. On the taste front, brown rice (and wild rice and all the exotic grains) tastes nice on it's own, with this faint nutty hint.

I guess a large indicator of a remission of the eating disorder would be when i'm able to have WHITE rice at home as well as when i'm out with friends, and not feel the overwhelming surge of guilt. It seems far away, but hey, i'm definitely feeling closer to it now (i just conquered flavored milks and cereal!).

The Tummy Fold Factor

2007-10-25T02:37:00.000+08:00

One thing ALWAYS drove me nuts: THAT flab of skin (and now, with flesh underneath it as well, after regaining the weight post-anorexia) on my lower tummy!

I used to always sit down with my side facing the mirror, and pinch that annoying fold and despair over how to get rid of it. Even in anorexia, with boney elbows and nary a butt to sit on, that piece of skin refused to go, and that ALWAYS aggravated me to no end. Oh sure, i acknowledge that i was skinny and bones at all my other places, but i never felt like i lost enough weight, because i always had this unconscious belief that the sign i've lost enough is when my tummy looks perfect.

Sounds logical and objective right? Too bad the word PERFECT is subjective when the 'perfect', smooth, unfolded stomachs you see in magazines is when either the model is standing up (normal tummies don't have folds when the skin is stretched taut when you stand upright) or when the offending fold is either hidden out of sight by intervening props or airbrushed away totally!

Not to forget that i used to be overweight (hit a high of nearly 85kg), so there's BOUND to be loose skin with weight loss. Too bad that i never figured that out until now. That stupid fold of skin had caused me SO MUCH MISERY. You see, i always felt like that fold of skin had fat stored in it, and i tried my darndest to starve and exercise it off. Can you imagine an emaciated science lab skeleton with a skin stretched over it, and a loose, baggy bit at the waist? Well, that was me in 2005.

What made the utter fear of re-eating was that ANY food that went into my digestive tract would make my tummy swell (understandably, since i was on a literal starvation diet; anything i eat would feel uncomfortable if you are used to nothing!). And since i had food AND tons of diet cola, OF COURSE there would be loads of gas and liquid in my system. Unfortunately, the swelling would show up at the area around the fold of skin... Which added to the fears that i would grow fat the moment i allowed myself to indulge in food. Weirdly, i would have the same swelling when i have my diet cola, but i rationalized it away at that time as food from the previous day or something.

Wait, i can't believe i spent a post bitching about a stupid bit of skin that's only, like, WHAT, a 5cm oval. Even sadder, that i based so much on my self-worth on it.

The Pig Factor

2007-10-24T07:35:00.000+08:00

I hate the word: pigs. Oh, don't get me wrong, i have nothing against those cute little oinky dudes; your conventional bovines. The word pig is just too demeaning a word to name them.

Some words like 'nazi' are loaded words to everyone. A Nazi is simply someone in Hitler's political party or who subscribes to his beliefs, but it comes with 'baggages' or connotations as well. Like, Nazi has a sinister, kill-all-Jews mindset ascribed to them by most people. In the same way, the word 'pig' is a loaded word for me.

When you say the word PIG to someone, usually there are some immediate traits they ascribe to it. Quick list: lazy, fat, smelly, dirty, muddy, greedy... On the positive side? Zilch. Nada. And to me, perhaps it's because i was once teased as being a PIG when i was younger (though i can't really remember the circumstances other than that i was in primary school), so it's a really raw spot that hasn't healed yet.

Mom has a habit of calling me 猪脑, or pig-brain, when i'm acting out and both of us are quarreling. Though i haven't told her how hurtful that is when she says it, it's one of the things that gets under my skin and subconsciously drives the eating disorder. Mental note: tell her one of these days when we're not fighting that i hate it when she calls me pig-anything.

Need me to come up with an insult that absolutely (in my opinion) crushes and triumphs all other? Piggy pig pig!

Calorie Counters, Begone

2007-10-23T08:36:00.000+08:00

I gave up my calorie counters!

Ok, it was on one of the days which i couldn't get to sleep. And the clutter on the table is starting to drive me a little nuts. Not the clutter specifically, but the bother of trying to slide an InQuest magazine out from the bottom of it risks starting a landslide of epic proportions.

That's how the calorie counters were unearthed. One of them is the encyclopedic kind (listing everything from apple croissants to zucchini chips), another from the HPB (Health Promotion Board) which i got when i was overweight and so on. It's SURPRISING how long i've gone since i last touched them. It wasn't a conscious choice to NOT to, but it's quite literally a case of being out of sight (in the stacks of books, paper and whatnot), out of mind.

It's weird realizing how much i DON'T feel the need to flip it open every day anymore. I used to tote the calorie counter everywhere i go; for bedtime reading, in the duffel on vacation, heck, even into the bathroom for the time when i'm sitting on the john! That life seems a lifetime ago.

Still, temptation rears its ugly head from time to time. And i figure that i don't need a PHYSICAL reminder of the calories and stuff anymore, i dumped them on dad's dressing table and told him to help me keep those counters.

Honestly, i think that what made this exercise successful was that i gave them up out of my own choice. If the counters were taken forcefully away from me, i would have put up a hell of fight from the infringement of my rights. But if i'm in a calm and rational state of mind, i see the point that the parents have; those books aren't going to help my recovery in any way, and it has the potential to be a pitfall in the future.

Maybe they would be better used for someone who genuinely needs to lose weight. Or for some dietetics library somewhere. All i know is that they're just not meant for me.

ED Or Me?

2007-10-22T10:13:00.000+08:00

The favorite question of the ED sufferers's significant others everywhere: Will you choose me, or the ED?

That question is often thrown into the fray in the midst of yet another frustrated quarrel. Maybe it's triggered by funny eating, or exercise, or being distant. I'm can't say that it's the wrong thing for the loved one to say that, because it is entirely justifiable that they feel frustrated at the lack of progress or enthusiasm on their partner's part.

The honest answer to the question? I would choose the ED, because i have no other choice.

Of course, saying that you would choose the ED is the perfect recipe for disaster when answering the loaded question, in the middle of a spat. Put yourself in the significant other's shoes. It is the most hurtful thing you can say. It sounds to them as though you would rather hug and die together with a disease over them. It throws all the effort that they had put in to help you right out of the window. It's a slap in their face.

However, on the EDer's part, the honest answer is a resignation that the ED has a larger grip on our heart. It sounds all romantic to go 'Oh sweetheart, OF COURSE i would choose you'. But the honest truth is that, no matter who it is, no human being knows me better than the demon i carry around in me. The person you love can only be with you so many hours a day; the demon is with me 24/7. Rex knows my deepest, darkest secrets; he knows my vulnerabilities and fears.

The nature of the eating disorder is such that it gives an illusion of choice. Of course, the choice to recover lies in oneself, but often, the question (the choice of ED or significant other) comes with the loaded expectation that the sufferer changes immediately, instantly, totally; which i think is an unreasonable proposition.

In the perfect world, this question would never be asked. Too bad we don't live in a perfect world. Oh wait, i forgot, in a perfect world, an eating disorder wouldn't even exist.

The Crutch Factor

2007-10-21T15:21:00.000+08:00

It's definitely weird trying to piece a life back together after being eating disordered for so long. Hell, it's not just about the eating. The overwhelming depression and isolation spills over to the rest of life, and pretty soon, there's nothing but the eating (disorder) left.

All your hobbies, friends, school, social life, family, etc, thrown aside, as the eating disorder systematically eliminates its competition in your heart. And crippling you, so that your only crutch left is the eating disorder.

The things i had to relearn:
-normal eating
-normal exercising
-not letting symptoms get in the way of normal life
-not using the eating disorder as a way to say no/avoid problems
-get off my caffeine (Coke Light and coffee!) addiction

And damn, the last one is the easiest one of them all. No kidding. It REALLY is easy-peasy compared to the rest (which, after sweat and tears, are still elusively out of my reach).

The hard bit is because the eating disorder has effectively ingrained itself as a habit. Sure, the various triggers and physical, corporeal reminders to DO the actions may be taken out of the way. But force of habit persists. And it's hard putting down a temporarily rewarding activity (much like quitting smoking/drugs) when you're feeling lousy about yourself or the world.

I'm trying. I'm learning. Plus, peanut butter no longer disappears by the jar in the house!

Ayam Brand Vegetarian Baked Beans

2007-10-20T00:01:00.000+08:00

I woke up one night with a craving for baked beans. No, REALLY! And i doubt i'm pregnant; the last i checked, i still have my male bits!

Anyway, i just really wanted something sweet, salty and filling. Plus something which would not generate a cascade of guilt since it technically would be supper. So off i go to the petrol kiosk and 7-Eleven, but darn, they don't have my favorite Heinz baked beans. Scrounged around the house, and had to settle for the Ayam Brand one (i used to hate their beans because it's much too sweet). Mom (i woke her up to tell her about my craving) was torn between wanting to tell me that i'm CRAZY as a denutted squirrel and amazement that i actually admit to feeling hungry!

Turns out that, even though my tastebuds were fucked up when i was an anorexic, they were spot on about the sweetness bit. The same cloying sweetness, which is like maple syrup swirled with tomato sauce, hit me full in the stomach after half a can. It's the sort of thing which tastes like a dessert as opposed to a side, or something. If you have a serious sweet tooth, this is the baked beans brand to get. If you get woozy from a sugar high, STAY AWAY.

On a side note, count this can of baked beans as a challenge. You see, i have ALWAYS stuck fast to the Heinz one because it has less carbs in it. The Ayam Brand one has 80g of it in a can, which is kind of scary to me. But yay me, i survived it AS A MIDNIGHT SNACK and didn't go nuts, freak out, and stuff myself in a binge after it.

Ayam Brand vegetarian baked beans
(per 1/4 can/106g serving)
100cal, 3.9g protein, 1g fat (0.2g saturated), 19g carbohydrate (8.5g sugar, 4.1g fibre)

Mom reckons i will get cancer or something from eating too much funny things like canned food or protein bars and shakes. Not to forget the occasional diet cola (though my current intake is WAY less than the industrial amounts i used to consume daily!) and satchets of artificial sweetener. I'm still waiting for the day i turn a radioactive shade of green.

The Gym Log Factor

2007-10-19T01:23:00.000+08:00

Exercise always meant crazy-exertion-pounding-exhaustion to me before i went to do physiotherapy sessions at Alexandra Hospital (being referred there to learn 'proper exercise' by Dr Lee during my last admission). Gym workouts are more cardio and less weights (with REALLY HIGH and CRAZY weighs) for me. No surprise that i didn't see much results.

Working with a trainer (say hi, Sundar!) had been a big, eye-opening experience for me. For the 1st time in my life, i discovered that exercise wasn't all pain. Oh sure, core exercises like the BOSU ball were really hard for me at 1st (because i NEVER exercised my core before), but it paid off with a better sense of balance and coordination. Oh, and on the weights front? It's really cool discovering that doing lesser weights and lesser repetitions paid off with bigger muscles!

There's a fun thing i discovered too. Nothing beats measuring the progress of my weight training other than keeping a log. Oh sure, the mirror is the best indicator when you flex after a shower, but waiting for the muscles to grow is somewhat akin to watching the grass grow; there isn't a clear, objective before-after comparison. And they say that eating disorders are a form of body dysmorphic disorder... Which means that i can't trust my eyes! So the next best measurement of progress would be the amount of weight and repetitions i do, and there's the fun bit of pushing myself slightly beyond the last limits i made in my last workout while listening to my body and not pushing it beyond what it can tahan (endure).

Nothing beats the satisfaction of looking back at my exercise logs a few workouts before and realizing that i've made progress in an upward trend.

I haven't been back to the Sports Management clinic after discharge, but what i learnt there is being put to good use at the workouts i do in the Clementi Clubfitt gym. Oh, the trainers there are totally relieved to have Ryan, not a skeleton, coming for the workouts! One of the trainers who is really nice to me once told me that she was worried she'd have to call an ambulance to stay outside the gym while i pounded away at the treadmill!

Weight today: kg

Workout today:
chest press (lb)
shoulder press (lb)
rotary torso (lb each side)
leg extension (lb each side)
bicep curl (kg each side)
lat pulldown (lb)
tricep pulldown (lb)
leg curl (lb)
abdominal (lb)

I keep this log in my cellphone and whip it out during my workouts, filling in the necessary information as i go along and swapping the order of the movements if i skip ahead to another machine. Example: 3(sets)x10(repetitions) chest press (100lb). And this is just a basic workout, i tend to experiment with different free weight motions and machines as well in addition to this, so every workout is fun, different and un-monotonous.

Hide Away

2007-10-18T11:59:00.000+08:00

Some days i just want to hide away, from everything and everyone.

In a weird way, when i'm down and depressed, i tend to not want to see anyone. It's not because i hate you or something, it's just me not being able to bear to face up to you and slap my happy face on.

Stereotypes And Section 377A

2007-10-17T10:01:00.000+08:00

One thing which pisses me off to no end is the sheer amount of prejudice that people have towards what they are unfamiliar with.

Stereotypes exist as a simple way for the human mind to organize stuff. If not, there would be just too much chaos in the world for the human mind to truly comprehend. Still, the simplification of things can turn out to be grossly incorrect. Like, how eating disordered people are often stereotyped as being 'just vain'. Or how homosexual males are sissies. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

Anyway, on the newspapers recently, there is lots of debate over the criminalization of homosexual sex in Singapore. You see, there is one section in the Penal Code which makes it a crime, even between consenting adults in private. There is a movement by some to repeal that portion, and another motion to keep it.

I guess i can see the point of the 2 sides. On one hand, that bit of the law is illogical in that it infringes on privacy and is, in theory, un-enforcable anyway. What, send policemen peering into our bedroom windows to check if we are banging the correct gender? On the other hand, Singapore IS a conservative society, and the government would risk alienating a large portion of the population should they support the vocal liberal side.

What irks me is how the conservatives hold blatantly untrue beliefs, and what's worse, their views see print in the Straits Times (THE Singapore's newspaper). It is trusted for holding fair views, but the decision to publish this particular letter rubs me the wrong way in being an objective publishing.

I support the retention of Section 377A of the Penal Code- a law criminalising gay sex- to uphold our moral and family values. The petition by Nominated MP Siew Kum Hong does not serve the interests of Singapore as a whole but only of one small sector. In fact, the removal of this law will lead to the disintegration of our social fabric, the family unit, which the Government has been establishing pro-actively. I believe that strong families will lead to a strong nation. I fully support the Government in keeping Section 377A. Gross indecencies must be penalized. For the survival of our nation and the welfare of the future generation, the petition by NMP Siew should be ignored.

-Lim Poh Suan (Ms)

There's so many ways i would love to poke holes in her argument (which appeared on the Forum section on the 16th of October, 2007). But the simplest bit is the generalization that homosexuals would SOMEHOW leap out of the closet and not engage in normal reproduction and run around infecting normal heterosexuals... leading to the collapse of the country??? And to imagine such a letter appearing on the national newspaper.

If it is a post stuck onto some forum, it would be shot down. But the newspaper seems to have taken an approach to simply airing the views of the conservatives (no matter how blatantly wrong they are) and not those in favor of repealing the ban (i'm sure that there would be a deluge of rebuttals). What's worse is that the past weeks had seen similar letters as well, with blatant stereotyping and almost a sense of paranoia and misunderstanding.

KC's post on this (and Pkchukiss's earlier one) is a compelling read.

The Peanut Butter Factor

2007-10-16T09:36:00.000+08:00

There's something strangely addictive about peanut butter when you're a binge eater.

I never truly liked peanut butter as a kid. Well, ok, i didn't mind them, but i preferred sweet spreads like kaya or jam. Peanut butter tends to give me a bad case of sore throat. But once i started bingeing, peanut butter is quite practically one of the things which is REALLY satisfying to scarf down, by the spoonful, from the bottle.

Perhaps it's the smooth feel mixed with the traces of peanut. Perhaps it's the high fat content of it. Perhaps it's how easy it is to move your hands up from jar to mouth. Perhaps it's the strange satisfaction of putting a Deadly Sin into your mouth. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps (oh, i love that song!).

My relationship with peanut butter had been better in the past few months. I still don't dare to keep jars of it lying around, but i have it with my waffles (the kind i buy from outside with a filling of your choice) and it's actually pretty nice. Not THAT nice till i crave one every day, but nice nonetheless.

Weird Things Only Bulimics Know About Peanut Butter:
-Once in, never out.
-It's a bottled demon (the Devil, bottled, is Nutella!).
-The biggest jar is 7000 calories for the whole thing.
-Prepare for a sore throat and funny feelings in your stomach and head after a jar.
-It's the only binge food which leaves you full and gasping for air by the end of a jar.

Everything, Everytime

2007-10-15T10:21:00.000+08:00

With every mouthful
Bliss
Suffering
Pain
Enjoying
Tears
Unfalling
Guilt
Disgusting
Shame
Overwhelming.

With each restricting
Peace
Sedating
Quiet
Unmoving
Weak
Dizzying
Whirl
Exhilarating
Cold
Comforting.

Dusting Myself Off

2007-10-14T07:57:00.000+08:00

There are days when i literally spend the 24 hours holed up in my room and not saying a single thing to anyone. It's not that distant a memory (wait, i can't believe it was just 3 days ago!), but it's one of the things that i don't really want to go back into.

The weird thing is i can spend those lonely hours just zoning out, just staring at the ceiling and lost in the overwhelming deluge of hopelessness. There isn't much purpose to continue ekeing out an existence day by day, is there, for me? Life doesn't have much in store except for more misery (and as the parents love to remind me, i haven't exactly have the best things in hand to go continue studying in a university or to find a job with).

Not much has changed today. Well, ok, the bright side is that i got back up on my feet, made a pact to eat better instead of bingeing on junk and depressing my mood even more, called to remake an appointment with Dr Lee which i missed, got back into the routine of hitting the gym, and generally got on track with fixing the immediate fires in my life.

Big problem now. What's next? Not even i expect, or wish, to continue to live without a purpose. Mom's favourite answer is, enlist in my NS lah! But the way she talks about it is only when we're sniping at each other, so i have no idea if it's meant as a threat or something.

The worst patch of blues hit when i start getting fixated on all the different junctures i could have taken in the past. Like wrapping things up nicely with an eulogy as i near absolute zero on the weighing scale. Or closing my eyes and going to rest at the end of an exhausting day, never needing to awaken from the restful repose. So many easy ways to die and me so close to dying, and it grates on me that nobody let me just die and not suffer thru this misery now.

Ok, shut up, depressed me. Hello, positive me. There's still a day to look forward to with a workout, a meal with old friends and the nice, fluffy blanket at the end of the day. I just wished fairytale endings happened.

My Prerogative

2007-10-13T06:18:00.000+08:00

That's one of the groovier beats from Britney Spears which i keep on my cellphone for jogging purposes.

Prerogative: (noun) a right or a privilege, especially one belonging to a particular person or group.

The Strangling Mom Factor

2007-10-12T11:24:00.000+08:00

It's not at all a nice feeling when you want to tighten your fingers around a person's neck and wring the heck out of it. But there are times when the rage flows so strong that it's a nice guilty fantasy to leave it bubbling in my head.

Weird thing is, there's only 2 people on the surface of the world who can elicit such a torrent of emotions out of me. Come on, take a guess. It can't be that hard. Ok, i have been pretty faithfully keeping to a semi-vow to not slam them on the new blog and all, but there exists a lot of hatred between me and the parents (and towards mom in particular).

Perhaps it's because we have the same sort of personality. I am reactive when emotional, don't take well to personal attacks (NEVER INSULT MY WEIGHT OR CALL ME ANYTHING REMOTELY RESEMBLING A PIG!!!), can be vindictive when i hold a grudge, prefers 'behind the scenes' sort of thing and refuses to give up my stand on things without a fight. And when we quarrel, it invariably ends up with our heels dug in and both of us refusing to budge from our positions while launching scathing personal attacks on each other like long ranged nuclear strikes.

The aftermath is probably just as bloody, if not more so.

No peace treaty seems to hold for long when both sides are quelled. Ok, Anita (the social worker) usually works a ceasefire pretty well, but when one side starts finding a loophole (and i'm guilty of it sometimes!) or when a new quarrel starts... Take cover and find your lead shielded bunkers!

Now excuse me while i fire off the next salvo.

Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children

2007-10-11T18:07:00.000+08:00

Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children rocked!

Ok, it's a movie sequel to the Final Fantasy 7 game (which came out a LONG time ago on Playstation). Nevertheless, the story is one of the best ever on any RPG (roleplaying game), with characters you grow to love and badass foes you'd remember for the rest of your life. Who can forget the bit where Aeris dies at the hands of Sephiroth, or the creepy thing that is Jenova?

Anyway, the game ends with the Planet saved by Avalaunche, the group of heroes you commandered thru the game. However, the remains of Jenova still lies in the Planet's Lifestream (see Gaia theory), and it manifests as Geostigma on the inhabitants of the Planet. Plus, some kind of demented cult which worships Sephiroth and Jenova seeks to raise them yet again.

The story is hard to catch if you didn't have some rudimentary knowledge of the Final Fantasy game (younger brother didn't 'get it' until i explained the entire story to him), but even then, it's an enjoyable show. With CGI to die for and Matrix-y battle scenes! Younger brother went WOW at the eye popping visuals. Oh, and Tifa is definitely one of the prettiest unreal human characters ever, giving Lara Croft a serious run for her money (and cup size!).

The show is even more fun if you were a Final Fantasy 7 player. There's a TON of subtle references to the game, and kudos to the movie makers for blending the traditional victory theme of Final Fantasy games into the movie without being corny! I'm sure that there's Chocobos in there, somewhere (you know, those cute yellow ostrich-like birds that go KWEH! in the games), just that i haven't spotted it yet!

Edit: they don't appear in the movie... in full, at least!

Now for the all important question: how ON EARTH does Cloud manage to keep his armpits clean and shaved while roughing it out in the WILDERNESS for MONTHS??? Must be something to do with his fetish for enormous swords. Hmm...

My Way

2007-10-10T09:25:00.000+08:00

If i had my way
I wouldn't have chosen to be this way
Throw the remains of my life away
There's not much left in it anyway.

Dying in the IMH bed
Not the most comfortable around, at any rate
Better than living and regaining weight
Face the pain instead of being peacefully dead.

Not need to face my greatest dread
Being fat and having a waist
Gorging on food all day
No thank you, i'd stay anorexic instead.

I can blame everything all day
I may survive today
In the end, i have to support myself day by day
So moaning and bitching ain't gonna get my way.

But i still look back and wish i had my way
I was prepared to leave this world then, anyway
If i had my way
Darn the world for not letting me have my way.

October Resolutions

2007-10-09T11:51:00.000+08:00

I figure that the best way to actually achieve something more concretely would be to make monthly resolutions. You see, it would give me accountability to everyone (at the beginning of the next, new month) as well as putting down a goal concretely which seems to help me when i work towards something.

Overall (even mom can testify!), my eating had become better, with being more able to tolerate breakfast cereals as well as admitting to needing food when i'm hungry instead of just sucking it up and trying to squelch the urge. Still, i tend to be mired in fat thoughts and would often withdraw and not reply my SMSes, pick up calls and so on. So i'm still definitely not out of the woods yet.

The goals for October:
-Have starches with at least one meal per day.
-Eat at least 2 servings of fruit (ever since i went lowcarb, fruit had been an iffy thing and i can go days without any for fear of the sugars!)
-Get out of the house at least every other day.
-Hit the gym 3 times (no more, no less) a week.
-Do no more than 4 times of jogging per week.
-Take a time out instead of arguing with dad when he breaches topics i feel strongly against.
-Go clothing shopping by the end of the month!

There! All down nicely, plus with objective goals to meet (instead of merely aiming to eat better). Check back next month for the results. I think that the goals i made for myself are reasonable. Not so easy that i can do it without breaking a sweat, nor so hard that i'd be discouraged and just give up.

Noisy Cars

2007-10-08T10:33:00.000+08:00

Count me as one of those guys who ain't impressed by cars. I don't know, it seems to me that loads of guys find the topic of cars interesting, but i find it about as interesting as musing if it will rain later in the day.

I don't know. To me, being able to drive is a Nice Thing to have, but it's not a die-die-must-get sort of thing. Personally, i'd rather be driven around by somebody else than get behind the wheel! Knowing my hand-eye coordination, or, more precisely, lack of it, it's probably a Good Thing that i don't drive.

Or maybe it's a genetic thing... Hmm, the one and only time mom drove, she rammed into a streetlight... TWICE. And NEVER got behind the wheel again.

Ok, when you're damned tired after a workout or a tough cardio session of window shopping, the last thing i want to do would be to get behind the wheel and brave the traffic home. Or god forbid, if i'm running a stomachache. Can you imagine beating the traffic lights to rush to a toilet??? No thanks, dude!

Sure, there might be the thrill of zooming around at high speeds... But if i wanted that thrill without risking a driving ticket, i'd get my fix at Escape theme park/Disneyland instead. Heck, maybe even go somewhere with a nice bumper car circuit.

Oh, and something drives me nuts when i go for jogs along South Buona Vista road. Some dudes love having their big, loud, flashy sport cars blaring down the twisty road at, what, Mach 3 speeds, and risk getting both their (scrawny) necks and mine broken. Like, come on, everyone knows that you have a penis inferiority complex, but you don't need to go around shouting it out for the world!

Nyah nyah, you have a small phallus!

Maybe the lack of interest in getting a car would be a Good Thing in Singapore, where you need to foot a ginormous amount of money just to get the license to own a car. Still, it ain't the most chivalrous thing to sit in the passenger seat while The Wife drives, so... Looks like i need to get behind the wheel.

It's not my fault if i crash the car!

Umbrella

2007-10-07T08:11:00.000+08:00

There's something strangely addictive about the 'Ella, ella, ella' bit.

I like the rest of the Good Girl Gone Bad album as well. Worth grooving to!

Warning: highly addictive!

Monopoly: Here And Now Edition

2007-10-06T10:29:00.000+08:00

There's something incredibly addictive about Monopoly.

Oh dear, there i go, geeking out again. To set things straight, i LOVE the game on the computer, as opposed to the physical form. Which requires you to round up friends, count Monopoly money, be a human calculator (woe to figuring out that damned 10% thing on the income tax square!) and then pack up when the game is over. The computer version (there's lots of them, by the way, but my personal favourite is the Here and Now edition) solves all the bookkeeping hassle and has decent AI opponents for you to pit your Donald Trump-ness against!

It's that sort of game like Tetris that you fire up while waiting (perhaps for that download to finish), and end up playing again and again for the sheer addictiveness of it. There's something indescribable in the pleasure of crushing the computer mercilessly (and hitting 'exit game' when the tide turns against you!) and cackling madly when they have to pony up rents at your hoteled lots!

Playing it with younger brother had been an incredible bonding experience (get your minds out of the gutter!); it had been ages since we both played a multiplayer game together on the computer (the last one was ages and ages ago before i was sick; Heroes of Might and Magic 4, if i'm not wrong!). Oh, and he discovered something weird: Texas Stadium and Disney World seems to be popular landing spots, so nab those quick and plonk your hotels down there!

Nasty thing i discovered too: 3 houses on every monopoly you have makes for the best returns in exchange for the least money (since you definitely don't have enough moolah to go hotelling every monopoly you have). Grab your utilities, they pay rather well and you don't need houses on them.

Oh, and in which alternate reality is it cheaper to rent 4 houses compared to staying in a hotel??? Mr Monopoly gotta get his facts straight!

Parents, Don't Give Up

2007-10-05T11:16:00.000+08:00

Dr Lee (according to mom) once said that treatment for eating disorders in the local context is somewhat different for treatment for eating disorders in Western countries. Apparently, the treatment there is more focused on the individual, whereas the local culture necessitates a bigger emphasis on the family.

You see, it ain't in our culture to spread our wings and fly as soon as we're 18. Or to leave for some far flung college or stuff. In Singapore (and most Asian countries), parental support continues to exist (and be expected) all the way until the individual is married or something. The family is more 'intrusive' upon the individual, so as to speak, and has great influence. Thus, treatment would not just be focused upon the sufferer, but also on the family as a whole so as to sustain the state of recovery.

It may be a blessing in disguise. Ok, i always resented the amount of intrusion my parents had in my life, but now i see how crucial it was in getting me to the (better than before) state now. If they didn't shove me in the direction of recovery with IMH (though i still can't forgive and forget all the times i've been sent there in a psychiatric ambulance!) and the various things they did, chances are that i'd probably be in a worser state.

I know, i should be thanking them. So, um, ok, thanks mom and dad, for your constant shoving.

Perhaps this post is meant more for the supporters of the eating disordered individual. You see, even though it's not a picnic dealing with an anorexic or bulimic, we need your support and though, at times, we hate it when we are forced to eat or stuff, we love you for caring. We might scream and rage at you for the moment (and perhaps years after that) but truly, it is for our own good.

I hated my parents for the whole of 2006 for what they did to me. Then i realized that they truly do care for me and they don't want the eating disorder to claim victory over me. Some things they did still hurt (and i find it hard to forgive), but i figure that dwelling on the past and resenting them for the rest of my life wouldn't do me nor them any good. I managed to single handedly make dad depressed, and it might seem like sweet revenge for all the IMH stays he forced me into, but i don't taste any true sweetness, only the bitter taste of guilt.

Don't despair if we seem incorrigible and irrecoverably sick. Hell, i was REALLY ILL a year ago and i think that most people wouldn't have held out hope that i would become any better (i was really ill and looking for ways to crawl back into anorexia). But look, ok, i might not be any model for recovery, but at least i can say that i'm no longer actively clawing my way into being anorexic again. Pro-anorexia is no longer something i count myself part of (i do understand that it's a personal choice to make, however, just that i have decided that i'd throw myself in recovery's direction as opposed to fighting tooth and nail against it because 'it's what the parents forced me into').

Don't give up hope, because it is still there. If my parents gave up and threw in the towel (and boy can i testify how much of a toughie i was), i'd definitely not be here.

Over the Distance

2007-10-04T00:01:00.000+08:00

A really close friend who was a fellow fighter against her eating disorder passed away exactly a year ago.

This is one of my favorite emotional-ish songs from Osu! Tatake! Ouendan! game on the Nintendo DS. I figure that i'd keep this post short and stuff.

I miss you, Petrina.

Looping Again

2007-10-03T10:13:00.000+08:00

It's a neverending cycle. For the binge/restrict cycle, for me, for the past few weeks.

I haven't been doing too well, and it sucks when i'm trying to be encouraging while going thru my own personal hell at the same time. Every day seems to be a constant struggle within me. Quite literally, one ying and one yang. The ying feeds the yang, the yang feeds the ying; both has their own pros and cons, and i zoom round and round in both as though i'm on a demented loop-the-loop rollercoaster.

The worst bit is when Rex's seductive siren call starts. "Just try my way, one more day, it wouldn't hurt, and you don't have anything to lose." he would say. And off we go, round and round the loop again. I know, in hindsight, it's the worst thing i can do, but in the moment of passion, so as to speak, it's the most promising way out of the fatness and disgust at myself from a binge.

It's frankly tiring and it's akin to running endlessly on the treadmill, burning and bingeing the same calories over and over again. The biggest guilt is over the fact that i KNOW what i have to do to get myself out of the rut, but it's just too scary to DO it.

Ok, there, i've confessed it. I just haven't been trying hard enough and i don't even dare to admit it to myself. But from this post onwards, i would get myself back on track with my eating. I can't expect to run back to the ward for the rest of my life. Do or do not, there is no try.

Daisy Multigrain Milk

2007-10-02T09:59:00.000+08:00

I absolutely love multigrain and oat milks to bits. Well, it's kind of a binge food, usually, but i've been taking it without danger (albeit in 500ml cartons as opposed to the dangerous 1l cartons which can be tempting) in the recent weeks (they make a handy night-time snack since milk helps me to sleep). Since i'm in the ward and all. And for some reason, being in the ward helps keep the symptoms away a whole ton (though that's a story for another post!).

There's quite a few kinds of grain-added milks in the market, but personally, my favourite one would be the Daisy's one. It's sweet and not all that thick or creamy (though lots of my pals prefer the others precisely because they're thick and creamy; those don't agree well with me and i have the urge to hurl after taking too much of them!).

The problem is that the 500ml packs seem to have a nasty habit of appearing only every now and then on the convenience store chillers, so don't bank on finding them every time you crave for it.

Daisy Multigrain milk
(per 200ml serving)
115calories, 8g protein, 2g fat (1.2g saturated), 16.2g carbohydrate (4.8g lactose, 1g fibre)

Bad Self Talk

2007-10-01T10:25:00.000+08:00

Are you talking to yourself again? Of course you are! Everyone talks to themselves in the privacy of their own minds. This is called an internal dialogue, or mental conversation. Your silent dialogues consist of thoughts that reflect your perceptions and interpretations of actual or potential events in your life. These inner conversations also entail self statements- thoughts and inferences or conclusions about yourself. Your emotions emanate from how you talk to yourself about yourself.

Your internal discourse often happens without you realizing that you're talking to yourself. These mental processes are so ingrained that they occur automatically. They require no deliberate, conscious thought. This habitual, automatic-pilot mode of thought just flows and, in a sense, is mindless- because you aren't thinking about your thinking.

Among the obvious liabilities of mindlessness is that you don't know your own mind. You don't see the crucial connections between your silent assumptions, thoughts and interpretations, and how you feel. You only notice the emotions that these dialogues deliver. So, you end up having to deal with these feelings, especially if they are negative and intense. Seldom do you reverse the mental tape and listen carefully to the inner conversations that led you astray. But that's exactly what must be done.

-The Body Image Workbook

Sounding familiar? Well, i've got a tape in my head, and it doesn't stop reminding me how fat and disgusting (and all the negative things i've associated with self fatness) i am.

Ryan's Private Body Talk (after a gym workout): Hey, i feel kind of good about myself today, and yay, i swear my chest is looking better. But, oh god, that butt refuses to go away. I absolutely hate the way it jiggles. And that horrible bulge at my stomach. Ok, it might not stick out THAT much, but i still hate it all the same. I wish i'm 5kg lighter. Then i wouldn't feel so useless and people would like me more.

Re-reading my own self talk made me realize how much i put myself down. Sure, i acknowledge that i have good points, but that's drowned out by the torrent of BUTs (and about my butt!) that's interjected after the self complimenting, as though i don't deserve to have any compliments in the 1st place.

Death Note 2: The Last Name

2007-09-30T20:59:00.000+08:00

The sequel to the 1st Death Note movie brings the game between Light and L to a dramatic end as well as introducing the oh-so-pretty Misamisa to the plot! Oh wait, i'm getting ahead of myself.

The 1st movie ends with Light worming his way into the Kira Investigation Team and meeting L, who continues to suspect Light being Kira.

Misa Amane, lovable and ditzy personality (think the Paris Hilton type, who models, does TV shows, sings, act etc) almost dies at the hands of a demented stalker-admirer, but another Reaper sacrifices himself to extend her life (something which Reapers are forbidden to do). Thus, she gets her hands on that Reaper's Death Note, and her main motivation is to be Kira's lover (she admires Kira for a dark reason).

Oh, and did i mention that Misa is cute?

Light and Misa eventually DO get together, and Light hatches a brilliant plan to utilize her Shinigami Eyes (she traded half of her remaining life to get the powers of a pair of Shinigami Eyes, which allows her to merely look at a person to obtain his or her name, which the Death Note needs in order to kill) in order to bring down L. It's so flawless and clever that you can't help but go wow. Of course, L is no dummy, and off we go in another thrilling cat-and-mouse game between them which ends up with one of them dead (yes, that is what that's meant by The Last Name).

While the 1st Death Note movie is faithful to its material (Death Note started as a manga), Death Note 2 condenses the rest of the series (which kind of degenerated into lots of confusing events) into one neat package. The ending does take some thinking to understand (i took 3 viewings before i finally 'got it'!), but it does tie the entire plot up nicely.

You can pretty much count the movies together as one epic (like how the 3 Lord of the Rings movies tell one complete story), and boy, it is one pretty engaging story.

Are You Happy Now?

2007-09-29T11:26:00.000+08:00

Where did Michelle Branch fade to???

I liked this song, on her album, Hotel Paper. And arguing with your shadowy evil self definitely is cool.

School No More

2007-09-28T10:22:00.000+08:00

Ok, this is it. I've decided that school is not something which i can do. It's not a snap decision that i made, but it's something which slowly shaped and i finally opened my mind to it.

Ok, 1st things 1st. Today (it's midnight as i type this on my cellphone) is my promotional exams, my General Paper. If i fail it, my entire year's grade is gone together with it. Thing is, even if i do turn up and pass that paper, the question remains about the rest of my 2nd year education at ACJC. It's not fair if i simply turn up for my exams and not attend school.

I simply don't envision myself doing school in my current state where practically every day is a grand conflict with the parents (usually it's with mom) and with the eating disorder haunting my footsteps. By sheer force of will (like if i'm restricting and forcing myself not to binge) i can force myself to school for a day... and then cave, just like how forcing myself to NOT binge always end up at. It's just not a viable long term plan.

If i don't school, the next option is to serve my National Service, which i have to serve anyway (all Singaporean males have to do it). Perhaps it's a better choice compared to school, since it is a major change which may shake the eating disorder off it's fat ass. The problems i see is that it may just be a spot of wishful thinking, as well as that i wouldn't be able to continue seeing the SGH treatment team when i'm in NS (i'm not buttkissing, but the honest truth is that they're the best team i've found in Singapore). But bottom line: i have to do my NS and there's no way around it.

The matter of education after that is another worry i have. Dad said that i can pursue a 1 year preparatory course for a university or go to a polytechnic (overseas education is a possibility but i don't really relish the bill nor the guilt i'm saddled with by 'using' the parents). What makes me uneasy is the unconventional approach to it. Most people do their polytechnic or JC/preparatory courses BEFORE NS, and the roundabout way i'm doing it makes me... uncomfortable.

Edit: it's now morning and i guess there's no more turning back. Bye bye, ACJC (and no i'm not being dour or whatever. I'm just kind of numb at the moment. Maybe i'd be better in an hour. Who knows? Perhaps even a workout might do me wonders. At least breakfast was a nice, normal guy-ish one that was neither a binge nor a restriction. Oh, and i had 2 packets of tau suan (sweet mung bean porridge) for breakfast, and just too exhausted to even be able to feel the guilt welling up in me.

Giving Myself Up

2007-09-27T00:01:00.000+08:00

I know that i'm not doing well. Heck, obviously something is wrong if i'm stuck at home either bingeing, eating really restrictively and exercising like a crazy rat (no offense to Spike the exercising hamster!) on the days that i'm eating restrictively. And being so depressed that i can spend the entire day cooped up in my room and barely saying a single thing.

N Chick and KC are totally exasperated when i don't pick up their calls or reply their messages. I just seem to have fallen off the face of earth and back into the eating disorder's embrace once more, with life not seeming to work out any better. The prospect of controlling my intake and calories is just too tempting, and off i go shooting down the rabbithole after discharge.

Dad called the ward to see if i could return. Dr Lee recommends an admission too. Deep down, i know that the best thing that's for Ryan is to stay in hospital, but Rex resists and tempts me with 'just trying 1 more day, my way, wouldn't hurt'.

I decided to 'give myself up and surrender', put the guns down, and step into the ward again. I feel bad, it's kind of like, i tell myself that i'm not so sick, there's plenty of skinny people who're skeletal, ready to drop dead and subsisting on celery who needs the ward more than me. I don't deserve all the help when it's just a matter of applying willpower. Ok, that's the guilt talking, but still, i DO feel overwhelmingly guilty and ashamed of not being able to measure up to everybody's expectations.

I'd try my best to update every day (there's lots of posts i saved as drafts but never published!), but things are still up in the air. Still in a tizzy from packing and stuff. I hope you guys stay well!

Hidden Secrets

2007-09-26T00:01:00.000+08:00

Nothing much to say today
The same pain that makes me ache
People refusing to accept my say
It's not like they can dictate my mind anyway.

On the surface, of rebellion, it tinge
But it's not of willfulness i swing
I've learnt to not show the true me
Because it would hurt your 心.

Hidden it for too long and too well
Never intending to reveal till i've moved out of the house
Your expectations i find too hard to measure up, i truthfully tell
Instead of making you cry, i cover up my personal hell.

Too many secrets i have in my heart
Don't ask, all it can do is tear you apart
Let me choose my own paths and route
Your way might not suit what i want.

Tempeh Rocks!

2007-09-25T10:12:00.000+08:00

A brand new discovery that i made during the latest hospital stay: tempeh.

I can't believe that i NEVER had it before, EVER, my entire life. Yep, even BEFORE i am eating disordered. I didn't even knew it existed, until one supervised lunch session when another patient said that she hated tempeh. Intrigued, and being the usual rebel that i am, Ryanryan decided to spring for it (incidentally, it's found at Muslim mixed rice stores, and i prefer the 'pure' version tossed with chill as opposed to the one stirfried with longbeans). And it's so good, i got it practically every day after that whenever we went to the houseman canteen at SGH (and the aunties there recognized me as Tempeh Boy!).

For a supervised dinner, i packed it as a side, and passed it around the table. The verdict?

Dr Siew: Pretty yummy!

G-Boy: I can't eat outside food.

Terminatrix: It's pretty ok.

Q-Chick: It's appetite jogging!

S-Girl: It wasn't as bad as i remembered it to be. Actually, it's not bad at all!

Hup Seng Cream Crackers

2007-09-24T10:03:00.000+08:00

I really, really hate these things. And i really, really love them. Blame Rex; ever since i discovered bingeing, i've also discovered that it's damn nice to binge on these!

Anyway, since i was a kid, our family always had these crackers dunked in hot Milo. I don't know if it's a popular thing to do with these crackers, but it sure tastes good! And my younger sister loves it so much, her main beef with me is when i finish the crackers in a binge and leaves none for her.

Having them dunked in Milo needs skill one, ok! Dip them for too long, and the cracker disintegrates into the hot stuff. Dip them for too short a time, and it doesn't absorb the liquid well enough. I like mine dunked for 4 'beats', but most people's preferences varies.

I used to have about 20 or so crackers at a go, as a kid. Now? Only if i'm bingeing do i go anywhere near these crackers, because of the heartstopping count! For some reason, Oreos appeal to me more in terms of bang for caloric buck.

Hup Seng Cream Crackers
(per 4 pieces/31g serving)
160 calories, 8g fat (4g saturated, 0g trans), 19g carbohydrate (1g sugar), 2 g protein

Nothing In This World

2007-09-23T08:58:00.000+08:00

The blondest music star ever? Introducing... Paris Hilton!

And the music video of Nothing In This World is pretty cool. And who would have thought that Ms Hilton actually looked less skanky as a teacher...