Shut Up And Drive

Rihanna - Shut Up & Drive (Video Premiere)
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For some reason, Rihanna makes me think of the Bratz. Maybe it's her slitty eyes and facial structure. Or the way she can cock her hips confidently.

And she's proof that you don't need to look skeletal to look great (out, Nicole Richie, OUT!).

Helping Someone With An Eating Disorder

It can be hard for the people around an eating disordered individual to help. I realized how hard it is when my parents tell me that they often have no idea what to do to me, or even WHAT to say, fearing that they may trigger the disorder or something!

Came across this page from Something Fishy (which, incidentally, is a nice place other than the annoying 'MAY TRIGGER!' smilies all over the forums!) which i hope can be of help. I realized that there is a distinct lack of support for the families and loved ones of eating disordered people. Make it one of my personal projects to help in any way i can!

If you are fighting too bad with your family or something to show them this, just print it out and stick it on the fridge or their bedside table. It works for me!

Hugs

There you are. The solitary person, in the chattering crowds of shoppers in the supermarket. Huddled deep in your thick sweater, yet still shivering as you reach one shriveled, claw-like hand out to yet another item from the fridge. Turning it over, slowly, looking at the nutritional information. A grimace, lips too big for your bony face. A flash of desperation, of wishing that it's something that you feel you can put into your mouth. Then back into the fridge it goes. And then it's on to the next item.

I always feel kind of helpless when i see someone like that outside. It wouldn't be a very nice encounter, if i went up and asked 'are you having an eating disorder?'. It sucks, in case they have terminal cancer and need to watch their salt or something (insert convoluted story with explanations for being emaciated and having a reason to look at the nutritional information tag).

I wish i can give the other sufferers of an eating disorder out there a huge hug. To tell them that we can all reach the end of our personal hell. To hang in there, to not give up, to ride every wave and be strong. I'm not proud of how deep i plunged into my abyss, and i would gladly give anything (edit: the selfish part of me likes to chime in that, ok, perhaps not everything!) to help anyone out of the same situation.

There's this undercurrent of glamour or something to having an eating disorder. Yes, i admit it. I felt it as well during the period i was resisting treatment and actively pro-anorexic. Oh, everyone loves bones (at least, that's what we delude ourselves into thinking). But there's nothing glamourous with being jabbed with a sedative, of screaming at a psychiatrist and your parents as you are bundled into a mental institution. Yet that's precisely where you'd end up if you succeeded at anorexia. Nope, you don't go strutting down a runway with your dress hanging off your non-existent boobs. You get a feeding tube shoved down your nose and filled with Ensure. Snot and spit ain't all that glam, you know?

But for lots of people currently in the throes in anorexia (i can't speak for all), wanting to be thin is no longer a goal. I understand. I've been thru the same thing. I started off with the diet wanting to lose weight, but later on in anorexia, i no longer wanted my weight to drop. I honestly didn't. I just am extremely fearful, that if i stopped doing whatever i'm doing, i would balloon up back to my previous state of 80kg. It might not be much encouragement, but i can testify that i'm eating much more than what i thought would make me shoot past 100kg, but my weight is showing no sign of budging from it's current position. Ok, a fluctuation of 1-2kg, but that's pretty much about it.

I can't give you a hug. But you would always be in my prayers.

Wanna-Be Terminatrix

The ends justifies the means. You know, that phrase seriously appeals to me.

I like to think of myself as a ruthless Terminatrix, not above using any resource to get what i want. Any price is fine with me as long as i want that thing hard enough. Think cold, ruthless and emotionless... yes, just like the perfect Terminator.

Unfortunately, in reality, i just never live up to that ideal. Tears, fuzzy hugs and things like that get to me (and DON'T YOU EVER TRY IT ON ME!). Being sensitive might be a virtue... but i catch myself wishing that sometimes, i'm able to excise that bit out of me so that i don't need to go thru weak moments of being caught in a bind with my morals.

Yes, i might like to say that anything goes for me, that morals and ethics be damned, if something positive is gained by breaking them, so be it. But deep down, compromising on my morals and ethics leave me feeling more uncomfortable and uneasy than i dare to admit.

I might say that flirting to get what i want is a reasonable proposition. Unfortunately, the truth is that i'm still a helpless romantic deep down, and i'd probably be overwhelmed by guilt and shame if i actually did it.

I wish i'm more ruthless and less easily hurt.

Nifty Nineteen

Egads! I'm 1 year closer to the number that's my life expectancy (assuming i don't die from some freak accident a la Final Destination).

My birthday was a quiet one that i spent with my family and N-Chick. Not that i don't like quiet ones. Ok, call me a boring person, but i much prefer a nice, quiet birthday to one with a huge party bash and stuff. Oh, the latter are fun too, but intimate affairs (get your mind out of the gutter!) appeals to me.

Being 19 is a funny thing. I never thought of myself being 19. Ok, i might have a chronological age of 19, but i'm pretty darn sure that i'm still somewhere like around sweet 16 on the inside. Being eating disordered, stuck in hospital and such has a funny way of affecting your independence. Not in a wholly bad way, but i tend to have times when i just wish that people can run my life for me (seeing how being my own boss tends to end up with me messing things up).

Oh wait... HECK, i can't believe that i'm 19 already!

It was still painful as i realize that it had been a year since my last birthday bash, and that i'm still stuck with the eating disorder. Oh sure, the positive (glass is half full!) side of me reminds me that it's a great step to be actively combating the eating disorder. While the pessimistic (glass half empty) side of Ryan reminds me that it's effectively 3 years wasted. Sighness.

The scariest part is that if someone asks me if i could do my life over, would i want to do anything differently? Yes, the eating disorder brought me so much pain, but without it, i'd probably have been some other cookie cutter dude on the street. I learnt so much about myself and about people; though the journey had been so painful, it's not something i would want to ever forget. And i wouldn't have met so many wonderful people in my life...

Editing note: Ryanryan decided to cut out the Academy Awards speech that materialized in the paragraph. He likes to thank his therapists, parents, friends from the ward, secondary school pals... Oops, back to the regular programming!

Hot As Ice

Been going thru a rough spot at the moment, trying to get back on my feet. And yes, i realize i've been getting lazy with my posting.

Oops, I've Fallen For Love Again

It's my birthday today!

Heart pounding
Falling
Face flushing
Voice stuttering
Freefall.

Hearts connecting
Falling
Head spinning
Pulse racing
Out of control.

Lips licking
Falling
Impulse acting
Restraints failing
You're so sweet.

Endless thinking
Falling
Rush exhilarating
Nerves tingling
Haven't felt this in a long time.

Sparks flying
Falling
Not stopping
Arms hugging
A happy ending?

Live And Let Live

Do what you will, as long as you do no harm to others.

That is a personal ethic of mine which i stick to. Yes, if it sounds familiar, the exact version of it is from the Wiccan code. I'm not a believer in Wiccanism (and i hesitated before pointing out the connection as most people have a prejudice against Wiccanism, thinking that it involves withcraft and dark magicks and whatnot); let's just say that i'm still keeping an open mind on the matter of personal religions. But that's besides the point. Anyway...

Who is to say that my version of morals and ethics is superior over your's? Since there exists no absolute standard of morality (or perhaps, it might exist, but we have no way of getting hold of it), no amount of arguing or stuff would be able to settle the question of who's one is 'better'. I don't mind if you hold a different set of beliefs and morals and ethics, but i DO mind when someone tries imposing their set onto me.

On the human rights front, everyone has a right of choice. Even Christianity acknowledges that to accept salvation is out of one's own volition. No amount of external force can coerce one into accepting the faith. By the same token, i expect to be treated with the same amount of respect and not be coerced into accepting another's standards.

Sometimes, one group of people might claim that another group is morally repugnant. To that, the Bible goes like 'before you point the dirt out in someone's eye, take the wood out of your own'. Before you judge someone else, kindly check your own morals and behavior. If you find yourself falling short, then kindly focus your attention on correcting yourself FIRST before coming down on someone else.

Falling In Love

Falling in love is just that
Falling
Out of control
Of your heart and your soul.

Falling in love is just that
Falling
That's how it feels
Falling head over heels.

Why love when love hurts?
Why love when love ends?
I know how it feels
When it turns and pretends
It ends with the pain
And the making amends
Why love when there's peace
In the making of friends?

Losing your heart is just that
Losing
Too high a cost
When it's given, it's lost.

Taking a risk is just that
Taking
Been there before
I can't take any more.

Why love when love hurts?
Why love when love ends?
I know how it feels
When it turns and pretends
It ends with the pain
And the making amends
Why love when there's peace
In the making of friends?

-Falling In Love, Forbidden City

Me Against The Music

I don't particularly care either way for this song (there are nicer Britney ones out there) but the 2nd video is giggle inducing after you watch the 1st (official) one!

Monster Turned Nice

If you asked me a year ago if i'd ever like Dr Lee, i'd have laughed right in your face. And added that she's the vilest monster you'd be able to find in this dimension of existence.

And boy, how big a turnabout one year later. And though i'm nowhere near total recovery, at least i know that i'm headed in that general direction. Whereas a year back, i was struggling to climb out of the marsh that's bulimia and into the swamp that is anorexia. A little change of destination, and a complete 180 on how you view loads of people in your life.

When my goal was to become sick(er), everyone who are trying to help me are branded as people who don't love me. What i didn't recognize is that they can see how my promised land of salvation is not that heavenly. But i simply dismissed them as crazy (how ironic, i never recognized the insanity in myself) and fought tooth and nail against them. The parents and Dr Lee bore the brunt of my anger since you can pretty much say they are the ones responsible for dragging me right out of my low physical weight.

I can see what Ms Boon means by that even the best team or hospital will never be able to help if the eating disordered person refuses to recover. Hell, they locked me up for months (and several times) in different places, but it didn't make an iota of difference. But when i decided to actually TRY, just a few weeks into treatment and i can say (truthfully, without the requisite ALTHOUGH) that i'm in a better and happier state.

There's this funny thing which happened 2 appointments back with Dr Lee. I'm on the verge of slipping back into a really bad lapse, and wanted to join the day program to stabilize myself. I expected to get chewed out by Dr Lee or something, but got surprised when she agreed readily. And when i told her i thought i'd be on the receiving end of her (infamous) screamings, she told me that she scolds... only when she has a reason to.

Which kind of made me take a step back. Hey, i don't think she (or any therapists, for that matter) derives any enjoyment from screaming at their patients. Ok, we always say that she has a sadistic side, that she loves being nasty for the sake of being nasty... But deep down (barring the addling of your brain from poor nutrition), we know that she'd probably get a ton of wrinkles and she gets no extra pay for chewing us out. Heck, she'd get a big fat bonus for keeping us in the ward since she'd guarantee a steady stream of income for SGH!

Screaming at us ain't a way for her to delight in patient torture (but since i'm not her, i can't say for sure!). It's more to jolt us awake and get us to think. Ok, once again, since i'm not her, i can't say for sure, but it did a pretty darned good job of making me sit up and take notice. At how much misery i'm causing to my parents. At how much they are willing to pay to get me well. At how happy they would be if i'm better. And hey, if she's wanting her bonus... She'd just not bother to scream at us, and sit there and drink tea at the morning sessions when we meet her. Then we'd continue on our merry way and continue to refuse food or throw up in the toilet, and she'd be guaranteed repeat business.

Oh great, reading this post feels like reading an extended advertisement. I PROMISE i'd not do it again! And if you're bearing a grudge against your therapist... Just remember that they don't have a reason nor incentive to get personal with you.

Beowulf

NC-16??? Ok, that was my 1st reaction when i discovered Beowulf's rating after i watched the movie. Apparently, for violence and nudity. Which i didn't even NOTICE in the show! Ok, perhaps it's bloodier and nudier (is there a word like this?) than most animated movies, but still... Hey, i can think of PG movies that are about as bloody or nudy!

The movie is based on the poem Beowulf (which i confess, i've never read before). It's kind of a realistic animation sort of movie (think Advent Children) and ain't all that horrid on the eye, compared to BAD 'realistic animation' like Beast Wars. Apparently it's from the same people who did The Polar Express (which is infamous for the cadaver eyes on their characters). Yes, the eyes still look dead, but at least it's less deader looking this time round.

There's loads of gore, though most of it is implied. Like when Grendel (this huge, scary, yucky monster) attacks. People are smashed, eaten, torn into 2, impaled etc, but thing is, you don't see much because the action is moving so quickly and the 'camera' doesn't go into detail on them. In fact, the carnage is left to your imagination, which i think is a better call than animating it explicitly.

Nudity? Well, Beowulf duels Grendel in the buff, and looks HOT. But his, ahem, jewels are covered (think Austin Powers style) for the entire wrestling match, with intervening scenery. Oh, and the bit with Angelina Jolie appearing out of the water is overrated, you see the outline of everything that can be shown, save the tits and whatever's down there. Which, i guess, constitutes nudity for some people, and not for others. And you'd be too busy noting the presence of high heels (in a movie supposed to be set in ancient Britain, no less!) than her derriere.

I couldn't really follow the movie, though i suppose the original poem would be WAY harder for an airhead (me me me!) to comprehend. Particularly once the plot moves past the Grendel bits. And the incessant conversing in ancient sounding English gets on the nerves after a bit; you wish you have a remote so you can skip ahead to the spectacular battle scenes. Since the target audience are people who want action instead of arty farty types!

Which are REALLY good. Think action along the lines of the Transformer movie. Unfortunately, the final showdown (starring a destructive dragon) got a little draggy and unrealistic, but it's still good. And the attacks which has Grendel are semi-EEW inducing (think something along the lines of Saw when you try to imagine what happened to the people who got into the fray).

Get this movie when it's out on DVD, and enjoy in the comfort of your home projection system with surround sound. So that you can skip the dialogue and get straight into the action, which is what Beowulf is good at.

What's Next, Ryan?

This is kind of a bleak post. If you're looking for a happy one today, then skip this one. Because i'm more or less a bunch of depressed cells clumped together to form a human body.

You might have noticed the lack of meat in my recent posts. I'm severely depressed and i haven't been able to write really well. I'd eventually stumble into a dead end and feel bad about it. I haven't been able to summon up my happy facade, and it's not terribly interesting to read a post colored by dark clouds, is it? *hinthint* Because you're reading one right now!

Anyway, i went thru A LOT the past week. You can go check the Ryanryan Files out because not all of it is nice and PG-rated, but i digress. At any rate, it was a rollercoaster and left a large toil on my mental defenses. And the final crack happened when dad tried forcing me to think about my future. The final straw, you can say, which led to a bad Saturday of binge eating (and i'm so depressed that i can't even bring myself to do the coping behaviors like exercise or, god forbid, barf).

I wish i can hang up a big sign that says LEAVE ME ALONE. The biggest obstacle for me at the moment is how scary my future is. Or more precisely, my lack of one. In so many ways, i find myself wishing that anorexia took away my life, so that i wouldn't need to struggle with these questions. I don't have anything to be proud of. Just an O level certificate, and that's it. I don't even know how to continue my education after my NS.

I don't have a future. When that realization sinks in, i feel so helpless, i try to fill up the void with food. The worst thing is, it just doesn't get filled up. It lies there like a festering sore, painful to the touch.

PS: Reading the post 12 hours after i posted it made my heart hurt. Does depression sap my writing as well??? I swear i don't type with this sort of bad grammar on normal days! At least, i hope...

Someday (I Will Understand)

Yet another song by Britney Spears (i think i'm officially hooked since her In The Zone album; oh, and this one is from the B In The Mix). Maybe it's because i had a crap day and something about this kind of matches my mood and cheers me up at the same time.

In Extremes

I find it hard to moderate everything which happens to me.

Ok, i never noticed that tendency before, because i was so caught up in bulimia and everything. But with the cessation of quite a lot of symptoms recently, one thing which bugged me was whether my extremistic tendencies are ME, or is it a quality from the eating disorder.

I tend towards an all-or-nothing mindset. Which is seen starkly in my bulimia. It's either a perfect day, or a binge day (and guess which happens 99% of the time?). But with bulimia less of an intrusion, i see that tendency manifesting in other aspects of my life. Like the need to do extremely well at something, or simply to throw in the towel and fail utterly. Basically, it boils down to either pure success or failure; i often fail to see that there can be grey areas and levels of success.

Everything is extreme. As in, it's either the ends, nothing that is in the middle. When i'm in love, i'm extremely commited. When i'm down, i'm extremely down. When i'm exercising, i'm extremely focused and hate to be interrupted. When i'm determined to do something, i go all out for it. Yes, those sound good. But when the inverse happens, when i feel that i've failed, even at a teensy little bit... Everything comes collapsing down as i shove the table in anger. Nothing in moderation.

It sucks. I try to try to acknowledge different degrees of achievement, but i just feel so frustrated that i'm stuck in this mindset.

I'm Not THAT Hungry Guy!

One funny thing i realized: apparently there's another Hungry Guy on the internet... Who is famous (or perhaps, infamous) for writing erotic stories!

Just go google Hungry Guy. Besides my blog, you would probably find Hungry Guy stories or whatever, and i SWEAR those ain't me! It's embarrassing when people ask me out of the blue if i wrote those. Like, ok, if i do write kinky stories, i'd rather go publish them like the Mills and whatever novels and make a whole chunk of moolah off them (and i promise that the people on the cover of the book have 6 packs and DD boobs!).

Anyway, ahem. I got the inspiration of the blog's name from the Hungry Girl website. It's a pretty nice place which i stumbled upon once when hunting for lowfat smoothies (of all things), and got hooked onto it. It may not be the best place to go (diet websites can be kind of triggering if you're in the process of weight restoration!) but at least the site has a balanced approach (unlike the fasting/pro-ana methods). I am so totally JEALOUS of the people in USA who can get hold of stuff like Skinny Cow ice cream and so on!

Wait. Mental note: diet stuff don't taste like the real thing. But one pet peeve is that the diet things we have in Singapore tastes NOWHERE like the real thing. Except for Coke Light... But i digress.

At any rate, the eating disorder had served as a way to fill up this emotional and personal hunger inside of me. I can stuff myself full of food or exercise and starve myself till skin and bones, but i have never quite managed to satisfy that hunger inside. I'm still searching, and hopefully, one day, i'm able to find my own nirvana.

3 Times A Day

In a way, i wish that an eating disorder is like an addiction in terms of recovery and rehab. How nice would it be to just abstain from the drug (food) entirely, go cold turkey. Unfortunately... Why, oh why, must food be a necessity of life???

I'm not saying that drug rehab or stuff would be any easier or harder than recovery from an eating disorder. It's just quite frustrating sometimes when i think about it. If you're an alcoholic or substance abuser, you don't touch it for the rest of your life. But with an eating disorder... you'd have to take the demon out of the cage for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Oh, and snacks too.

Things get way simpler in the ward. Because you just have to have your meals, whether you like it or not. Or whether you are hungry or not. And it may seem crude and barbaric, but just having the decision to eat taken out of your hands (don't worry, there's a dietician on the treatment team) and taken care of by somebody else is such a great relief (and a great torture for the eating disorder). Yes, the demon still have to be petted, but at least there's people who know how to deal with it on hand to keep it docile.

I'm still taking my demon out for walks. And getting better at it with each time i succeed in keeping it reined in.

Gimme More

Connection to internet still wonky, and i gotta call Singnet up. In the meantime, here's dredging up all the old posts from the unposted stuff in my drafts!

Something is making this song loop in my head.

The Self-Harm Factor

My 1st brush with self-harming came with a period when i was very anti-recovery, refusing to take my anti-depressant medications, and intense self hatred amidst a whirlwind of bingeing (and being unable to purge) and quarrelling with the parents.

It's weird, really. I can't really dredge up much about that period from my memory banks, and only looking at my old blog entries can i recreate a rough picture of what happened at that time. It's kind of like, trying to remember your toddlerhood. You can recall bits and pieces, perhaps happy times when you're squealing with joy or whatever, but those memories seem kind of distant and scattered. That's the same way i see that time of depression now.

Self-harming may be done for lots of different reasons, and i can't honestly say that i did a lot of research on it or stuff, but for me, it seemed to stem from my intense self-hatred, feeling of loss of control over so many aspects of life that the only way to (in a sick way) regain 'control' as well as expressing intense anger towards the parents when i felt that i had no other way to do so (and don't forget that depression plays a huge role in systematically closing off alot of options until the sufferer doesn't even think that there's any other options anymore). Like the eating disorder, it's not a simple event which has identifiable causes, and had the addictive tendency about it which can make it snowball. Thankfully, i got forced out of self harming before it took root (though it's never fun to be stuck in IMH!), and the better part is that i ESCAPED without scarring.

Call me a vain pot, but i don't want the scars on my arms. Because i'm still waiting for the day to get those damned biceps out!

At any rate, i remember that it was a really bleak period for me, and i was in such a low mood, i was locked up in my room daily, finding temporary solace in yet another binge. That fueled arguments with my parents, and led to another binge, which lost it's effectiveness as a way for me to block and blunt out the emotions. When they took the internet access away, i 'got the final straw', so as to speak, with even my pals on instant messaging taken away, and not being able to deal with the deluge of loneliness and pain, the razor blade seemed as good as anything to start slicing myself with.

I honestly don't know why i did that. I mean, ok, i know that it's the emotions and stuff which added up on me. And me hearing and knowing about self-harming from staying in all those psychiatric wards and IMH didn't help. But i can't blame staying at those places as the sole factor, because, quite honestly, the 1st time the blade bit, it just felt like the most natural thing to do in the world. Call it possession or whatever, but i just felt as though it's the most obvious thing to do at that time.

It hurt like shit. Well, duh. I didn't get past the depth of a papercut, which kind of gave me enough pain to 'express the intense depression'. The fling with it lasted for a month or so, and it wasn't too frequent, but there was a definite addictive quality to it, much like how i would crave a binge if i go restricting. It's a tiny itch in the back of my mind, one that intensifies if you scratch that itch. Happily, i can say that the itch is gone now (and i don't want scarring!). Honestly. I get a little freaked when i think about it. Like, i'd go EEW and shudder at the thought of drawing a razor over my skin!

Normalcy

Picture uploading to ANY host is failing for all the computers in the house, so it's probably time to call the SingNet helpline up. In the meantime... Hey, they say words can be a thing of beauty, didn't they???

Normalcy is such a strange thing to define, feel, explain, exposite on. It's never noticed by it's presence, only noted by it's absence.

Oops, i think i'm feeling weirdly poetic today. Maybe that's what poets or whatever call the Muse. You know, the Chinese ones with long white beards, staring at a beautiful lake and swishing on their calligraphy paper. Or the stuffy English one, in starched Elizabeth-en get ups, scribbling away with a feather quill on a parchment. Ok, ignore this long tangent, i'm just being Muse-ey today!

It's weird, after being sick for so long, to try to accomplish something as basic as EATING and caring and loving for myself again. It's scary trying to remember how much self loathing i carried against myself, scary thinking about the worst i went thru in anorexia and bulimia. I'm struggling my way out of the morass now, but i still see a long way to go before i reach my personal goal of being completely recovered.

But i've been tasting brief flashes of normalcy, ones which started off as just small reminders of the past, and slowly growing in length and intensity as i pour more effort into getting better. I'm doing things which the me, a year ago, would never have imagined myself doing. Like not feeling the need to deny myself of my hunger. Or exercising the shit out of my body. Or hating myself with every mouthful i consume.

And doing normal things, which hasn't been normal to me ever since i had an eating disorder. The simple pleasures of life like waking to a sunny morning, relaxed on bed (and not feeling my tummy and hating it for existing). Of exerting during a bicep curl, content in the knowledge that i'm doing it to look better (and not cursing at myself, forcing myself to the treadmill after that to atone for whatever caloric sin i committed). Hanging with old friends from secondary school (from the time before i had an eating disorder), piecing the pieces of the old me together again.

What Ryan likes:
-Being lazy in front of the computer.
-Being the clown of the crowd.
-Junk food!
-Helping people figure things out.
-Innocent flirting (you didn't read that from here!).
-Playing Magic.

Piece of Me

I'm feeling so crazy and depressed and jumpy as i type this. Yes, and stupid Blogger is refusing to let me upload any pictures the past few days, and i hope that the kinks are worked out quick. It's driving me nuts!



So yes, anyway, inspired by the new Britney Spear's 'autobiography' tune, Piece of Me, here's my version. Oh, and it's tongue in cheek (i'm not feeling really like trying to be serious and all corsetted up), so don't think i'm ready to do something stupid.

I've been living a dream
Since i was 17
Ignore me if i'm throwing up in your sink
I see my case notes in the hospital admissions clinic
When i go to collect my Prozac and Faverin
You want a piece of me?
You want a piece of me...

I'm Mr Bad Influence Karma
Another day another drama
Guess i just keep doing harm
In people i love and some
Eating loads and then some
I'm still an exception
And you want a piece of me.

I'm Mr-10-Admissions-Notorious
(do you want a piece of me)
I'm Mr-Oh-God-I'm-Unsure-On-Recover
(do you want a piece of me)
I'm Mr-Cute-But-Has-A-Mental-Disorder
(do you want a piece of me)
I'm Fucked-Up-And-Scared-Of-Rice-And-Butter
(do you want a piece of me).

Wanna Be An Anorexic?

Anorexia nervosa is NOT a diet. It still confounds me how so many people take an eating disorder lightly. Indeed, some even go 'let's be anorexic and drop 5kg!' or something like that.

Hate to pop your balloon, but unfortunately, your stars have to, quite literally, be aligned in order for the eating disorder to take root (which is nowhere near as nice as winning the lottery too). It's not just about the physical act of eating funny. It's about the intense guilt from eating and the self doubting and loathing. And from never being happy with what you accomplish and driving yourself harder than the worst taskmaster in history. Nothing will ever satisfy that harsh inner critic. 100% for your tests is never enough; you have to make sure your handwriting is perfect and you don't leave any splotches of ink on your paper as well.

Oh, perhaps you might say that anorexia is effective at weight loss (assuming you can keep the eating disorder demon under control). Yeah. Right. That's like saying that doing chemotherapy is a good weight loss method. Hey, it is, ain't it? So do you want to go thru the same kind of pain? There's alot of pain under the surface with eating disorders, and it's not something that's 'you can just snap out of' (i just hate it when people tell me that).

The effects of it last for life. Osteoporosis? Impaired height (hello, midget Ryan)? The wasted years? The lost hair? The psychological distress? The constant love/hate relationship with food/family/friends/everything in life? The depression? The OCDness, like how you MUST exercise/diet? And driving your loved ones nuts with getting you to eat. Oh, don't forget to read the fine print before signing yourself up.

I know what the feeling that i need to lose weight, at any cost, is like. Hey, i started off at 85kg, myself, and hated the physical shell i'm in. And if the old me read this post, i'm afraid to say that i'd still think that it's worth it. And boy do i wish i can knock myself on my head. It's NOT WORTH ALL THE PAIN (and that's out of the mouth of somebody who experienced, and still experiencing, the effects of an eating disorder).

Honestly, if you want to be sick, i wouldn't mind trading my existence with you.

Girlfriend

Maybe i have a funny sense of humor. But i find Girlfriend (by Avril Lavigne) and its music video to be quintessentially me!



The video is un-embed-able by Youtube, but here's the link! Oh, and here's the version made with the Sims 2!

Body Jealousy

I hate feeling body jealousy. It so reeks of being shallow and stuff. I wish that i never came equipped with a jealousy organ, or whatever appendage that generates the hormones which signals it!

I guess there's 2 types of body jealousy. Or maybe, it's just that i've experienced only this 2 distinct types so far in my life. The 1st kind is the sort which can be more accurately described as body envy (being a milder and non-vindictive form of jealousy). While the 2nd type would be the full blown sort of jealousy, the green-eyed monster type. And just for easy reference purposes, let's call the 1st as body envy, and the 2nd as body jealousy.

Body envy is the easy and less vindictive one to describe. You know, like when you see Julian Hee and go all 'damn, he's hot and i'd kill for being able to have that body'? Or the female version usually entails Jessica Simpson/Alba and pre-disaster Britney Spears or whoever's the Hot Chick at the moment. There's the drool factor involved, but at the back of our puny mortal heads, we know that we can never reach their perfect, airbrushed status.

Then the 2nd one is the body jealousy type. Oh boy do i hate feeling that way. It's the sort when you walk past somebody totally hot on the street and that person is just too hot and perfect. And equipped with the dream physique/face/nose/random body part that you've always wanted. And then you are smacked in the face with the realization that you're JEALOUS of whatever that THAT person possesses, and which you don't. And you're perfectly happy to murder that person to have whatever he/she has if you can get away with it.

Hmm, sounds like a perfect plot for a slasher flick...

Functions of Your Eating Disorder Worksheet

1) Check off any of the following roles that your eating disorder serves in your life:
(Y)-Helps cope with negative thoughts and feelings (depression, anxiety).
(Y)-Relieves/manages stress.
(Y)-Protects your self-esteem.
(N)-Controls your weight.
(Y)-Suppresses traumatic memories.
(Y)-Helps you feel in control.
(N)-Helps you hold the family together.
(Y)-Gives comfort.
(?)-Helps you receive attention from family members and/or friends.
(Y)-Gives you a unique identity.
(N)-Gives you time for yourself.
(Y)-Relieves boredom.
(Y)-Helps you deal with anger by channeling emotion inward.
(Y)-Allows you to procrastinate on overwhelming tasks.
(Y)-It feels familiar (companion, habit).
(Y)-Helps you strive for perfectionism.
(Y)-Focuses and distracts you from more difficult issues.
(Y)-Acts an excuse for failed expectations.
(Y)-Gives you discipline or punishment ("I don't deserve to eat").
(Y)-Gives you momentary freedom (play, escape, high, "temporary amnesia").
(Y)-Numbs your emotions.
(Y)-Buffers your relationships (removes emotions).
(N)-Purging allows you a perception of normalcy-allows for "normal eating".
(Y)-Acts an excuse for escape from daily stresses.
(N)-Helps you fit ideal of society.
(Y)-Gives you a sense of accomplishment.
-Other function:

2) Examine the functions of your eating disorder that you have checked off above. In the space below, explain how your eating disorder works for you in terms of the functions you identified.

-Helps cope with negative thoughts and feelings (depression, anxiety):
Without my eating disorder, i would feel overwhelmed by the negative thoughts and feelings.
-Relieves/manages stress:
By engaging in bingeing/restricting, i shift my focus away from the stress and mindboggling fear onto something more manageable.
-Protects your self-esteem:
When i fail at things (or in advance before failing), i tell myself that since i'm eating disordered, i can blame my eating disorder instead of my own shortcomings when i fail at things.
-Suppresses traumatic memories:
In order to avoid places (like outpatient clinics at IMH/SGH, or places i have strong and perhaps, uncomfortable, memories at in the past that may or may not have been related to my eating disorder), i would binge so that i have an excuse to not have to go to that place and replay the memories.
-Helps you feel in control:
I am able to say no to people in a roundabout way by bingeing, so that i would not have to steel myself to give an outright NO.
-Gives comfort:
Food and the eating disorder seem like the only trust-able and dependable entities in my life.
-Helps you receive attention from family members and/or friends:
Sometimes, it feels good being taken care of and having my feelings respected because i'm 'sensitive' and 'have an eating disorder'.
-Gives you a unique identity:
Not directly giving me an identity, but more like, i have never really been able to develop or be the me that i want to be, and the default identity i assume now would be being the eating disordered person.
-Relieves boredom:
When i feel alone or helpless at having a large block of empty time, i would binge in order to 'fill it up'.
-Helps you deal with anger by channeling emotion inward:
I have never been comfortable with publicly displaying anger. Anger has always been one of the 'uncomfortable' emotions which i try not to feel or acknowledge. In order to express it or just to ignore it (even i don't know which one), i binge. In the past, the anger had also been diffused by purging.
-Allows you to procrastinate on overwhelming tasks:
I can delay unpleasant stuff into 'the future' indefinitely by engaging in eating disorder symptoms.
-It feels familiar (companion, habit):
Engaging in symptoms and being lost in the eating disorder thoughts feel more natural than being normal.
-Helps you strive for perfectionism:
There is a subconscious belief in my head that part of being perfect is being in total control of my body and related functions. And being able to resist hunger is counted as a strength in my book.
-Focuses and distracts you from more difficult issues:
Bingeing seems to help me become 'hyper-focused' for a short period of time. Also, if i want to avoid issues or events, i can binge to ignore them.
-Acts an excuse for failed expectations:
I can blame the eating disorder instead of my own shortcomings, so that i don't need to acknowledge that i am the 'bad failure' and can shift the blame to the eating disorder. It's not a conscious thing, more of an unconscious shielding of my own self from real shortcomings.
-Gives you discipline or punishment ("I don't deserve to eat"):
It feels good to deprive myself, perhaps in a unconscious or subconscious way, of appealing to the sado-masochist side of me (that's NOT saying i'm into bondage/leather or stuff!), to be both the torturer and the victim at the same time.
-Gives you momentary freedom (play, escape, high, "temporary amnesia"):
It feels like an escape from the drudgeries of life and to numb my depression for a short period of time.
-Numbs your emotions:
Strong emotions make me uncomfortable and brings up the fear of loss of control, and engaging in the eating disorder helps in redirecting and blunting the strength of the emotions.
-Buffers your relationships (removes emotions):
I can shift strong feelings towards people (love/hate/anger/jealousy/etc) which i find uncomfortable and 'selfish' onto food, which doesn't have emotions and wouldn't be hurt.
-Acts an excuse for escape from daily stresses:
When i feel overwhelmed by life, the eating disorder provides an escape from reality.
-Gives you a sense of accomplishment:
I feel a shameful sense of pride if i control my appetite/exercise. In that, i derive a sense of satisfaction from the control i place upon myself successfully; but at the same time, i know that it is the wrong thing to do.

3) On the scale below, rate how much you need your eating disorder to serve the purposes you identified above by placing an X in the line below.

0%__________50%__________X100%
0%=Do not need your eating disorder at all to serve these functions.
100%=Completely need your eating disorder to serve these functions.

4) Considering the functions of your eating disorder that you have identified above, you can see that your eating disorder helps to fulfill certain needs in your life. Take some time to think about these needs. What other methods do you have of getting these needs met?

Honest answer to the last question is that i HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO ANSWER IT. Oh, and if you wanna try the worksheet, go ahead and just file off my answers and you have gotten a brand new one!

Everytime

For some odd reason, the Everytime music video by Britney Spears is almost like a walking testament to how much she's stalked by the paparazzi and in the headlines everyday. I can't claim that i know her (well, DUH!), but i'm all for giving the star a break. She needs to get her act together without making the gossip rags everyday (hinthint: put some undies on when you're at it, Britney!). Oh, and dumping that stupid K-Fed was a good move too; her career started going downhill after hooking up with him.

She really needs help. I just can't help but feel happy at the dissing that Perez Hilton gave, but like this thread on MindSupport, i really think someone needs to give her a shake AND a hug. The poor girl needs it.

Oh, and here's a cool remix-ed version as well! It definitely is just as interesting.

TangYuan

By good god (or whatever floats your exclamation boat), i survived tangyuans!

Oh, what are tangyuans? They're glutinous rice balls with sweet feelings in them (see the old occupational therapy session which we made them in) and which usually comes in a sweet soup. Yes, they're HOT, so don't pop them into your mouth straight away, or risk getting your tongue burnt to crisp. On a 2nd thought, can you scald something to crisp... Eew, yucky thought.

Anyway, back to topic. After a support group meeting, i was feeling more encouraged than usual. The parents suggested going to Chinatown for supper, and i played along gamely. Oh, i'm not a supper person because i used to have a strict rule about not eating after 2000... and though that rule had been recently relaxed, i still can't wrap my head around the idea of having more than 300 calories at near bedtime. But M Gal told me that she just challenged a Ramly burger before the group, and i'm thinking (in a non-competitive way) if she could do it, why am i such a puss???

There's this Food Street or something around Chinatown, and i discovered (to my dismay) that it is STIFLING. Yes, as in, windless, hot, stuffy STIFLING. The wind is blocked off in all directions by the low rising shophouses, and it's driving me nuts to have sweat running down my boardshorts, so i convinced the parents to tapow (take away) the food home instead.

Mom spotted a tangyuan store with loads of recommendations and newspaper clippings attached to its front (most of the vendors there sell from roadside trolley stores), and i realized i haven't had one since... JC1, when i went with JiaYing and friends from secondary school. Man, that was ages back. Oh, and i forgot to mention i was a tangyuan freak. I decided that i'd spring for that as a challenge.

Got home and had the tangyuans in peanut soup. It's weird trying to describe the experience of it to someone normal, but what struck me was how NORMALLY i ate it. Without restricting (and giving tangyuan or what away to my siblings), without bingeing in guilt after it. Feeling nice and warm and sleepy. Not feeling like i need to go for a run after it (though i admittedly ran earlier in the day, but i had extra food to make up for it already). Sliding into bed under the covers and falling asleep.

The more i try to describe normalcy, the more un-normal it becomes. It feels... nice. To be normal. For once.

It's so ordinary. So normal. And such a new experience for me.

Oh, and by the way, get the green tea flavored ones. They ROCK way more than red bean and yam (which just tasted kind of MEH).

Permission Granted

One body image group therapy session had been giving ourselves permission cards. Sounds corny at 1st, but boy it was kind of surprising the effect of being given permission to do something.

Ever realize the more rules you are given, the more the urge to just lash out and rebel? And then there's the all-or-nothing mindset common to lots of eating disorder sufferers, which makes rebelling dangerous since one rule broken may lead to a compulsion to break ALL of them. And hey, at it's essence, an eating disorder involves LOTS of RULES. Rigid rules. Ones that cannot be broken.

And when they're broken? Well, speaking as a bulimic, that results in me throwing everything and the kitchen sink out of the window and i binge, figuring that since i've 'committed a sin', i might as well go the whole way.

So it's nice giving myself a permission card to do things against my personal rules. Implicitly, it's permission to be 99% perfect instead of being 100%. And there is a reassuring thing of having the cards around, of knowing that i can comfort myself with that i've 'given myself permission' to be naughty, instead of having to beat myself up with exercise or restriction should i break the rules of my eating disorder.

It sounds corny. But give it a try before you diss it, because it worked for me in the past and i'm using the new batch to help myself now. And hey, you wouldn't know that it wouldn't work for you until you have given it a try, right???

1) Get hold of some credit card sized paper. Ok, it's purely for aesthetic purposes, to make the cards look like something you can turn or trade it in for.

2) Start each card off with 'I will allow myself to...' or some variation of it. The key bit is something which makes you feel better about breaking the rules, entitling yourself to break the rules. Like that kind of passes which a teacher gives you so that you get to leave the school early to go for an appointment, or something like that.

3) Feel free to allow yourself anything! I had ones that entitle myself to skip a day of exercise if i don't feel like it, for allowing myself to loosen my tummy muscles, for allowing myself as much cereal and milk as i want for a breakfast... Off the top of my head, i can think of more like to allow myself a free smoothie with every gym session i go to (hinthint: mom can pay for it!), to allow myself to have a comfortable night of sleep without punishing myself by taking away my blanket or something.

4) Trade them in whenever you want to, or when you get the surge of guilt from breaking one of the eating disorder's rules! Or just plaster them around or carry them in your wallet or something, to remind yourself that it's ok to break the rules, since you have allowed yourself to do so.

Don't thank me for this idea, say thanks to Ms Boon the psychologist!

HL Chocolate Milk

Chocolate! Rich, creamy chocolate milk! How on earth can that not send orgasmic tingles down your spine??

Much as i hate to admit it, milk chocolate IS one of the things that i have a weakness for. Darn, it's not chic to admit that you like chocolates, unless it's dark chocolates for health reasons (and honestly, i HATE the bitter tang of it). Too bad chocolate is one of the things that i binge on, so it's definitely not safe to leave bars of them lying around the house!

One of the fears i got over in the last admission was HL chocolate milk. It's so weird, but i just took them in addition to my meals (when we go out to buy food), and by exposure, it just... stopped being a binge food. Heck, it's not TOTALLY a safe food, but at least, it's no longer a trigger food. I think it's hard to explain the concept to someone who's not eating disordered!

But it IS good. And the best part is that i'm not the only one who says so (since my tastebuds ain't the most trustworthy ones around!); count younger brother among one of the many who agrees with me! The chocolate HL usually disappears fast from the fridge, unfortunately. Darn, i shouldn't have let the rest of the family onto the secret...

It tastes like a good milk shake. I have NO idea how Marigold does it, but it tastes richer, creamier and thicker than other chocolate 1% milks. Heck, it tastes better than most chocolate whole milks!

Marigold HL chocolate milk
(per 200ml serving)
149cal, 10.4g protein, 2g fat (1.4g saturated), 22.4g carbohydrate (0.6g fibre)

The milk holds special memories for me too. A really good pal, Petrina, liked them a lot, and is one of the things she said she never gave up even in the depths of her anorexia. One of the funnest memories? Both of us sipping our HL milks while visiting the Sayang Wellness ward in IMH to say hi to the nurses.

I Am

There's something about this Hilary Duff song which makes it my personal anthem. It just, SO describes me. I hate to be anyone's stereotype, and yet being a stereotype can be weirdly comfortable.

And when you think you have me figured out, then guess what. I still have surprises in store.