Cha Cha-ed

It's hard to be positive when the people around you are constantly negative. It had been dragging me down the past few days and it's getting frustrating when i keep failing to break myself out of the relentless downward spiral that mom has on me (and me on her, then her on me, and so on it goes).

On a sidenote, no, the past few days of not being able to blog are entirely coincidental. Darn the modem for conking out during a thunderstorm. That sense of isolation kind of made the downward spiral all the harsher as Ryan's tempers were shortened by the inability to vent and zone out online.

The logical side of me reminds myself that it is human nature to be bitchy at times. Still, i find it quite inexplicable that mom sometimes insists on doing some things which seem to serve no purpose other than triggering me or reminding me how much money i'm spending or how much of a useless bum i am. Which makes me feel all the worse and it ends up with a cha-cha dance routine of 3 steps forward, 3 steps back as i stutter in and out of the relative 'safety' of my eating disorder.

I find myself unable to return to the comforting numbness that severe bulimia gave me. By the same token, i find myself unable to sustain a state of complete recovery. The neither-here-nor-there position is slowly grinding me nuts and wearing my resolve away. It honestly feels like putting your finger on a mirror; you almost, but not quite, touch your own reflection.

Stuck, stuck and depressed. And crying out but not sure where to turn to. My own happy mask becomes attached to my face, i can't bear to shed it and show the full brunt of how depressed i am to anyone.