The Self-Harm Factor

My 1st brush with self-harming came with a period when i was very anti-recovery, refusing to take my anti-depressant medications, and intense self hatred amidst a whirlwind of bingeing (and being unable to purge) and quarrelling with the parents.

It's weird, really. I can't really dredge up much about that period from my memory banks, and only looking at my old blog entries can i recreate a rough picture of what happened at that time. It's kind of like, trying to remember your toddlerhood. You can recall bits and pieces, perhaps happy times when you're squealing with joy or whatever, but those memories seem kind of distant and scattered. That's the same way i see that time of depression now.

Self-harming may be done for lots of different reasons, and i can't honestly say that i did a lot of research on it or stuff, but for me, it seemed to stem from my intense self-hatred, feeling of loss of control over so many aspects of life that the only way to (in a sick way) regain 'control' as well as expressing intense anger towards the parents when i felt that i had no other way to do so (and don't forget that depression plays a huge role in systematically closing off alot of options until the sufferer doesn't even think that there's any other options anymore). Like the eating disorder, it's not a simple event which has identifiable causes, and had the addictive tendency about it which can make it snowball. Thankfully, i got forced out of self harming before it took root (though it's never fun to be stuck in IMH!), and the better part is that i ESCAPED without scarring.

Call me a vain pot, but i don't want the scars on my arms. Because i'm still waiting for the day to get those damned biceps out!

At any rate, i remember that it was a really bleak period for me, and i was in such a low mood, i was locked up in my room daily, finding temporary solace in yet another binge. That fueled arguments with my parents, and led to another binge, which lost it's effectiveness as a way for me to block and blunt out the emotions. When they took the internet access away, i 'got the final straw', so as to speak, with even my pals on instant messaging taken away, and not being able to deal with the deluge of loneliness and pain, the razor blade seemed as good as anything to start slicing myself with.

I honestly don't know why i did that. I mean, ok, i know that it's the emotions and stuff which added up on me. And me hearing and knowing about self-harming from staying in all those psychiatric wards and IMH didn't help. But i can't blame staying at those places as the sole factor, because, quite honestly, the 1st time the blade bit, it just felt like the most natural thing to do in the world. Call it possession or whatever, but i just felt as though it's the most obvious thing to do at that time.

It hurt like shit. Well, duh. I didn't get past the depth of a papercut, which kind of gave me enough pain to 'express the intense depression'. The fling with it lasted for a month or so, and it wasn't too frequent, but there was a definite addictive quality to it, much like how i would crave a binge if i go restricting. It's a tiny itch in the back of my mind, one that intensifies if you scratch that itch. Happily, i can say that the itch is gone now (and i don't want scarring!). Honestly. I get a little freaked when i think about it. Like, i'd go EEW and shudder at the thought of drawing a razor over my skin!