A Little Less OCDed

It definitely feels weird starting to blog all over again. Can you believe it, the last entry i made about life (in Ryanryan Files, now retired) has been over a month ago???

The habit to blog is hard to kick. It's not a BAD habit, you see, but because i'm an OCDed sort of person, i just HAVE to blog every single day. It's something i force myself to, even if i'm exhausted that day and just want to hit the sack. I. Must. Blog! *cue Resident Evil music*

Well, i kind of gave up and was too exhausted to write much diary-ish sort of entries while i was in the ward (though i did PLENTY of musing-ish entries) for a whole muckload of reasons. Well, let's just say that i learnt quite alot about relationships (Ryanryan is single again!), and for quite awhile, the thought of tapping out an entry, which is so deeply entwined with strong emotions, proved too hard to do. It's easier zoning out and not needing to wrestle my mind into the present.

Plus, i quite literally SAW from what bits and pieces of entries i have the past few months coming from a mind that's pretty sick (compared to the one that's in place now). I quite literally go HOLY SHIT about how deeply entrenched i was in my symptoms a month ago, and yet i wasn't aware of it when i'm stuck neckdeep. I just CAN'T bring myself to flesh them out into full entries; it's like, i don't dare to put myself back in the EDed mindset (kind of like how an actor prepares for a role by pretending to be THAT role) in order to write it.

And after awhile, blogging just kind of fell into place in the grand scheme of things. It's an important aspect of life, but i don't need to force myself to do it just to tick something off my mental checklist.

Wait, this isn't going to mean that i'm going to disappear off into some virtual limbo. Of course i'm still going to write; it's one of the ways i cope when i'm out of the ward. But, like everything in life, it comes with moderation (dieting, exercise, toilet cleanliness, i'm looking at you!), and i'm not going to lose sleep just because i need to upload a post. I don't really know what made me less rigid; maybe i just learnt how to somehow deal with the perfectionism in my head by loosening up with food rules.

Check back everyday (edit: AFTER i get discharged from the ward and staying at home, now, i'm still in the ward!); i figure it's not too hard for me to do a post daily!