I Am Me

I finally got around to blogging on The Ryanryan Files yet again. Here's the 1st post!

Introductions seem to be the hardest things to write. You have so much to condense down to a manageable size, make everything nicely and cleanly spelt out.

I'm Ryan. 18. A guy (cue the DUH!). I'm your nice and standard and cookie cutter type dude, on the surface, at least. Scratch the veneer and you'd find that i am wonked up in the head.

Wait, i'm not a serial murderer (though i've fantasized about offing people i can't stand). I'm not a vampire/werewolf/demon/cultist. I just have an eating disorder. Ok, maybe not a JUST, because it's hell to live with an eating disorder.

You can call him Rex. He's that caloric counting demon in my head. He promises a better life if i do what he says. Bullshit. I followed him to 35kg and did 3 hour runs and counted every 0.1 calorie i put into my mouth, but i never found the happiness he said i will find. But i didn't dare to disobey him for nearly 3 years (and wasted a year's worth of my life as well). It's only the latest admission into SGH (Singapore General Hospital) did i make the biggest decision in my life so far: to give up letting Rex run my life and actually fire him.

Of course, Rex is not going to give up so easily, not when he has such a tremendous hold on my life. In hospital, with supportive therapists and other patients, it's easy to fight. Back home, in the bastion of Rex (where lots of the most disordered things i do take place), it's WAY harder. The ingrained habits surface once again, and i often despair at how i'd ever be recovered.

Still, i'm not giving up. And i'd fight for the freedom that i deserve.