It's a bit of a wistful thing as i realize that i'm heading back to the day program. I feel that i no longer need therapy that much anymore, but i recognize that i would still benefit A LOT from it. I see the acute need for structure to my day to prevent the eating disorder to be the only entity for me to socialize with. Plus doing the day program is also a symbolic agreement i have with myself to start actively giving up the symptoms i LIKE doing (not taking my starch portion with my meals, for example). Actually, even i do realize i'm much better now, compared to the past. The perfectionist in me cries out in protest that there are still wonky bits. The therapied bit of me (read: take that in a positive light!) assures myself that it's normal to have crazy bits, because nobody is perfectly normal!
09501 mug Special K in HL milk
There's a weird lack of binge thoughts today. Ok, admittedly, yesterday as well. It's not me FIGHTING to think about NOT bingeing. It's me realizing, all of a sudden, that there's a (welcome) lack of binge thoughts. I can look at a box of cereal and go 'hmm, looks delicious' instead of 'i want to FUCKING STUFF ALL OF IT DOWN MY THROAT!'. The groundwork is probably laid down by therapy (starting with me being a willing participant since last August) and kicked into high gear with Topiramate. Admittedly, if i just had Topiramate, i would probably have ended up still crazy in the head and either still bingeing, or restricting like crazy (and plunging back into anorexia, which would be short-term fun but long-term misery).
I took a taxi to SGH, since i'm running really late (i'm so sleepy i almost fell asleep in the shower). The driver took this really long and convoluted path and made me EVEN later! Thank god that i dashed into LIFE center just as the morning's feedback group is starting. Ok, basically, the treatment team tells you how they observed you doing over the past week and give you challenges for the new week. My feedback was a pretty ok one, that i stick to the program. I'm surprised and really happy that Intense Gal (a really good friend i made since my first inpatient admission) would be graduating into a course next week. There WILL be a day when all us patients will meet up again for a barbecue somewhere and laugh at the crazy things we used to do.1200
1 serve white rice
1 serve onion omelette
1 serve stirfried okra
1 serve mutton curry
1/2 Chinese pear
Lunch with Ms Boon, the psychologist, today. The housemen canteen at SGH is looking awfully empty, probably because the carpark outside of it is all boarded up for construction works and people assumed the place closed too. Makes for nice, short queues (i never seen such short ones for the noodles store!). I sprung for Indian food today, and discovered their vegetables and curry is REALLY good. Lipsmackingly good. Rice never tasted this nice. You just can't have curry without rice.
I haven't been finding meals much of a problem. Ok, admittedly, the starches still make me balk, but the fats and stuff are much more bearable. And i no longer have a laundry list of customizations to my order when i get something when eating out. It sometimes feel stupid when whoever's supervising lunch asks me if i feel ok after the meal; i feel better than fine when i have my meals in the day program, usually. Unless i'm triggered (which happens rarely).Ms Boon (yes, she, and soon, Anita, reads this blog) said that i seem to be writing more about relationships and less about the eating disorder recently! Hmm, i didn't notice it much, but what i noticed had been the decline in the eating disordered thoughts ever since i started on Topiramate (and with that, the drop in strength of binge urges). Which probably leaves me with much more brain space to devote to other things. Of which there's nothing to spend on at the moment! Maybe i should start writing more on the Hungry Guy blog. I've been finding it harder to write posts about the eating disorder because i just am NOT in that mindset (nor do i really want to be!) anymore! What had been interesting me recently had been the intense amount of body image dissatisfaction society is seeming to condition us to accept unconditionally. Which leads to a host of problems including, yes, eating disorders.
There's this interesting thing which had been bugging me for a while. I had observed (yes, OBSERVED!) that people who don't restrict their rice intake DO snack less in between their meals. The hunky guys DO eat their rice. And they eat lots of 'junk' too. Except that you can't exactly call it junk if they aren't growing sideways but more muscly. Anyway, the point is, don't villify rice! Yes, it is very easy to anorexically cut out a whole group of macronutrients, and since you have cut out your fats and carbs, OF COURSE you would lose weight la! You only have protein left, and how on earth are you going to eat a sustainable amount of calories in just protein a day without turning blue in your face (or technically, killing your kidney)?! There's not much point in doing that either. You won't pop extra muscles, you need your carbs and fats and weights for it!Afternoon is check-in session with Dr Lee. It's quite a nice, cosy session because we invaded Anita's room which had nice bouncy sofas and cushions to hug. I really feel for a girl who is struggling between having to return to university or continuing treatment. And to complicate things, her parents ain't the most understanding of parents. I feel lucky that mine do try to understand me, and i really want to just give her hug as well as just, somehow, try helping her. I feel really bad sometimes. In a way, perhaps, i don't need that much therapy. So many people need it more than me.
15001 serve Totally Triple Choc
It's a personal challenge. I don't usually do CHOCOLATE milk other than HL chocolate milk, but this one looked so tempting that i figured i'd get it. It's rich and milky in a different way from HL. And i resolved to make it a personal challenge to try all sorts of different foods so that on the day i take my dirt nap, i wouldn't have any regrets and go 'DARN, i haven't had Jalan Kayu prata!' or something!
Oops, i did it again. Ok, i was feeling quite bored and not too much in the mood to head right back home. But neither was i in the mood to walk around Vivocity either. I just wanted to write, and while walking, which helps me to clear my head and focus on my writing. So i ended up walking all the way home, blasting music and tapping away at my cellphone. Yes, i admit, it looks, smell and tastes like a symptom. Heck, it can even count as half a symptom, because i suppressed my usual pre-going out exercise urge (i tend to HAVE to exercise before doing anything else) and just can't stand the idea of just eating and not moving. At least i got a hell lot of writing done. And i promise i won't do it often, only when i REALLY have a lot to write and if it's feasible to take the time off to do the walking (which can be aborted at any time since it traces the route of service 143 home).
17001 mug red bean soy milk
I passed out on the couch. Until dinner. Pig comes to mind, but i try not letting it affect me.
19301 serve white and mixed grains rice
2 fillets curry chicken
1 serve stirfried broccoli and sweet peppers with prawn
1 mug brown rice soy milk
I survived dinner. Ok, admittedly, it's easier than i thought. I just told myself, i have to do proper portions for everything (though i treated myself to more of grandma's curry because it's so good).
Stumble It!